This is Not Your Momma's Advice...

A +

2007-08-01T08:26:00.000-05:00

Hey Folks,

Yesterday, CB and I went to my second doctor's appointment since the little one was put inside. LOL And let me say that I enjoy my baby sitting in the waiting room with me, getting up when they call my name and walking back to the sonogram room and exam room like he belongs there at my side. It's touching...even though he sits and plays games on my cell phone half the time, his presence means a lot to me. In his own way, he shows excitement and interest and there are moments when I wouldn't make it without this. Like the other night, he was in the bedroom and I was in the living room, and he yells, what week are we in? I holler back 12 and ask why. He says I was just asking, and a few minutes later, he comes out and joins me. "You know that black line that's coming in on your stomach? It has a name." Puzzled look. "How do you know?" "I just read it in the book." Yall, I didn't know he was reading my book "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" too. I almost cried! LOL He continued, "It was saying something about pigmentation and now is the time you might start to see it, but yours been here for awhile," and then proceeded to play with the line! THAT'S when I cried! I love you, CB!

So anyway...back to yesterday's appointment...I'm undressed from the waist down waiting on the table. CB has his seat in the chair...face in the game on my cell phone. My doctor walks in and after short how are you doing's, she goes, "We have to do your chlamydia and gonorrhea tests again." My mouth drops and I can't talk. CB looks up FAST from the phone. And then she laughs, hugs me and is like, "I'm sorry, MrsNYM. I don't mean that it was positive or anything, just something about the sample, and they weren't able to run the tests." Finally, I can breathe again and I'm like, "Dang, Dr. Novak! You can't bust up in here talkin bout something like that with my husband in here! That wasn't how you introduce that." I'm laughing now, but still a little annoyed. And CB goes, "Yeah, cuz our next stop was gon be the divorce court!"

I get up in the stirrups, she does what she does, and then we listen for the baby's heartbeat. 165 bpm. Our little Gummy Bear is doing fine. Usually, it's still too early to hear the heartbeat from on top of the belly, but we heard my baby's. This, she said, means the chance of miscarriage is now pretty non-existent. Thank you, Lord. My cervix looks good. Thank you, Lord. Then I sit up and she gives me the results from all the bloodwork they took last visit: cholesterol, perfect; sugar, excellent; HIV, negative; blood pressure, wonderful; syphyllis, negative; no sickle cell trait; no rubella; blood type, A+. Thank you, Lord! My baby is in a bomb womb, yall! I know you can't tell by lookin at me, but my baby chillin in an environment that's doing him/her real good! And I'm grateful. And I'm glad CB was there to hear it himself because if I had told him, he wouldn't have believed me.

I even lost 4 more pounds, which really surprised me. I just knew I had gained. My appetite's been back for awhile, and I've been inhalin food, but no weight gain. Let me find out all these years I've been trying to lose weight, all I needed to do was get pregnant! I do find that I can't finish a whole meal now for some reason, and I do try to incorporate more fruit in what I eat, but for real, I still eat the bad stuff too. Doc said the weight loss is OK. It was no cause for concern. I don't want to gain any weight this early in the pregnancy, anyway, she said. That could cause complications later. Plus, any weight gain this early isn't because of the baby - it's too small at this point - it would just be the result of my overeating, and that's not good.

After we asked our other questions - about gas (LOL), sleep positions, birthing classes, etc. - she said, things look really good, NYM. Whatever you're doing, keep on doing. And she left us. I got dressed and as CB and I prepared to leave, I said, "You know we goin to Checker's when we leave here, right?" And my double-champ with cheese and medium sweet Tea with a lot of ice was DELICIOUS! Say what!

Mommy, daddy and baby are doing fine, and I'm glad about it!

Brokenhearted in Portland

2007-07-26T08:17:00.000-05:00

DEAR ABBY: Long story short, my husband of 11 years and I were having serious marital problems and on the verge of divorce. At the same time, my sister moved in with us -- at my invitation. Apparently, one thing led to another, and she and my husband say they have fallen in love. My husband and I decided to try and save our marriage. Then, two days later, he and my sister slept together! I kicked both of them out of my house. They think they did nothing wrong because, according to my husband, he has no intention of working anything out with me. I say he's an S.O.B., and my sister is a @#!%#. Am I wrong? Everyone in my family agrees with me, and I am being painted by my sister and my husband as "turning everyone against her." I say I'm justified. What makes it harder is I still love them both and have now lost my sister and my best friend, and I don't know what to do.

-- BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

Dear Brokenhearted:

Yes, your husband is a sorry SOB and your sister is a whore. But your first mistake was to move her in, in the midst of all the problems you and your husband were having. That does not excuse their behavior, however. It is just a lesson learned in hindsight at this point. Eventually, your sister and husband will pay for the horrible choice they made because to sleep together while you were still married to him is disgusting. But it is forgivable, and eventually, you will have to forgive them so that you can move on with your life. You're already headed in that direction by admitting you do still love them both. And hopefully, they recognize the wrong they did and will ask for your forgiveness. If not, don't you worry about it. Two azzholes like them deserve each other anyway. Your sister, especially, should seek your forgiveness and reconciliation. She's upset that you are turning the family against her when she should be sorry that she betrayed her sister, her best friend like this. Hopefully she'll come around, but the best thing for you to do now is forgive them and move on.

Couple's Views on Sex Don't Bode Well for the Future

2007-07-26T07:32:00.000-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either. Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again. I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date. However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do?

-- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Deflowered:

First, I commend you for re-dedicating your body back to Christ (or whoever you believe in) and being committed to wait until marriage to have sex again. Secondary virginity is a concept that not too many people accept, let alone understand. But it is very real, and their opinion shouldn't deter you from continuing to wait, nor should it cause you to feel devalued. You are still valuable. Yes, purity is more an issue of the heart than the body. Now concerning Chris, I will say that he shows promise by still wanting to date you and be friends with you. But you would not be wrong if you tell him that you no longer want to date him. If you continue dating, and then after he "thinks about it," he decides to no longer continue the relationship, then you will have wasted time with him that you could have spent getting to know someone else. Chris has a right to prefer a virgin for marriage, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't have the right to make you unworthy because you aren't - that's for Christ to judge - and he doesn't have the right to continue stringing you along, keeping your emotions invested, while he thinks about what he wants to do. The decision is actually not his to make, but yours.

Cuz I Got Knooooocked Up

2007-06-11T10:49:00.000-05:00

Hey Folks,

Long time, no write. I hadn't planned to write again - just fell out of interest with it - but something has recently happened in ya girl's life. There's a little chocolate militant sports-loving CUTE AND FINE drama king or queen a-coming! LOL That's right...we're pregnant! So much for "we'll wait 3 years so we can enjoy each other alone first and get some more traveling out of the way." Out the window went "OK, let's wait 2 years because we're not getting any younger." And forget about "Let's definitely wait until 2008 because you're just starting a new job and don't want to be out on maternity leave no sooner than you start." All the planning in the world means nothing when God is at the helm...and when you're humpin like jack rabbits and not using condoms like a bunch of retards. I mean what did we think was gon happen? Seriously! We tried, yall. Honest, we did. But who stoppin to reach for all that when you already got started?!

But lest I sound annoyed, I'm elated. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm fearful. I'm confused. I have tons and tons of questions. And I'm wondering what in the world kind of mother will I be. I took the first test on Friday. Peed on that stick, waited til the little hourglass started spinning - which meant the test was working - and then before I finished washing my hands, PREGNANT was on the screen! All of my initial thoughts were so un-motherly to me that ya girl is seriously scared about what the future holds for me as a parent. I was at my parents' house, and only my daddy was home. And as I walked down the steps to show him the test, this was my prayer:

Lord, you know my fears. You know I don't want the back of my neck to get any blacker. I'm already unevenly complected. You know I don't want a fat nose with that ring around it. I don't want acne, Lord. My skin already has problems enough. Can you please keep my stretch marks to the back of me? Keep them to the bottom of my hips and butt so they're not visible if my shirt happens to ride up or something!

What the heck kind of prayer is that for a mother to be praying? But wait...that was Friday. Saturday, I took the other stick out and peed on that too. The result was the same. So now I'm out on the sofa talking to CB, throwing question after question to him, to God and to no one in particular: How does my stomach know when to stop stretching? I mean our skin ain't meant to stretch that wide. What if you see my poo poo open that wide and then aren't attracted to me anymore after that? What if you don't want to have sex with me after that? What if I get so fat and stretched marked up that I never want to get naked again? Are you going to find me attractive while I'm fatter and waddling, nose spreading? What if I rip and have to be sewn back together? What if I poop on the delivery table? What are you going to think? What if I can't poop after the delivery and you have to go up there and help pull it down like DM's mother? Are you going to do that? What does having a whole other being move around inside of you feel like? No seriously. What if the baby sucking on my nipples leaves them crazy-shaped? Do you realize that everything I eat, everything I drink, everything I read, everything I listen to has a direct affect on this baby developing inside of me? DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE THAT IS?! It's unreal, man. I don't know if I can do it. If I can't have anymore Pepsi's, I'll just die! Am I strong enough or maternal enough to sacrifice a Pepsi and salt on my food for the sake of my developing little CB? Cuz I dang sure ain't givin up meat.

My darling CB let me get it all out and then hugged me and said NYM, we're going to be fine. All those fears are normal, baby, and it's going to be OK. When we go to the doctor's next week, you can ask her all those questions. That was sweet and all, but I noticed he ain't say he was still going to find me attractive when I'm fatter and stretched marked up. LOL (joke..but he ain't say it)

Anyway, I'm asking all the people in my life, especially the mommas, to bear with me because I'm about to ask some real questions. I don't want to hear about how sweet the baby's first movement is, or how beautiful it is holding your child after giving birth, and how you don't remember the pain anymore. I want to know if anybody passed gas like a friggin hot air balloon because I stay fartin and gasey. I want to know about going to the bathroom on the delivery table and your baby getting shyt on him cuz you just shat on the table. I want to know about taking that first dump afterwards. I want to know what your coochie feels like after being opened and stretched to record-breaking widths. Like is there a breeze? Am I going to be walking funny? Am I going to have a permanent bigger vagina? Is CB going to still fit? WHEN DOES MORNING SICKNESS STOP?! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WALK AROUND ALL DAY NAUSEOUS AND QUEASY AND FEELING LIKE YOU WANNA VOMIT?! Somebody answer me! I'm going crazy! I'm trying to be happy, and I am, but I got fears and I got questions and I'M PREGNANT!

OMG, I'm pregnant! What the world done come to?! *fainted*

*revived* Oh, at some point, I'll be circulating a baby-sitting schedule for all the aunties - yall know who you are. One weekend a month, I think, is a nice start.

OK, *fainted* again.

Naked

2006-12-12T11:50:00.000-05:00

Genesis 2:25 - And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

This passage was turned into a session during my premarital counseling. One of its meanings - where relationships are concerned anyway - was that beyond the physical, Adam and Eve were able to bare themselves to each other, down to their souls, without being judged, criticized or condemned. Whatever Eve was feeling, she could completely reveal that to Adam...no matter how hard it was for her, no matter if it might hurt Adam. And vice versa. They were both naked and not ashamed. In counseling, the question was asked: can you be naked and not ashamed with CB, and CB, can you be the same towards NYM? The issue wasn't whether we said yes or no, but just to illustrate a level of relationship that can be that deep, and to have us ponder whether we thought it was possible.

No. I don't. I don't think you can ever be completely naked and unashamed. I don't care how much you love each other, trust each other, and don't want to hurt each other. There are just some things that a person cannot reveal to their significant other. There are some things that no matter how nice you say them, they're going to hurt. They're going to be misunderstood. And you're going to be judged and criticized. There are some things that you need to take to Jesus and Jesus alone. Some things don't warrant disclosure at all. Sometimes, it's imperative that you keep clothes on and suffer the consequences. Right?

Even if it's not a marital relationship, but a friendship or some other bond - can you ever be naked and not ashamed? Better yet, should you?

My Morning State

2006-11-14T10:27:00.000-05:00

OK, so I didn't think my first post about married life would be this, but it is what it is. You know how the little things, if you don't confront them, can turn into big things...that ruin a relationship? Well, I know this is a little thing, but some mornings, it feels pretty darn big. Choco Bear and I have talked about this, but he won't change. So now I'm bringing it to you all to get your insight and opinion. Here goes...

In one month and seven days, we've gotten into a few routines. It's been cute and fun discovering what patterns and routines work for us. Right now, our mornings consist of this:

Alarm clock goes off at 5:30. CB gets up immediately, takes care of business in the bathroom; returns to the room, and watches Sports Center while dressing - he even turns it down real low so as not to disturb me. Aw! Most mornings, he fixes a small breakfast for us, my favorite being the turkey sausage and cheese sandwich on English muffin. By 6:30, he's finished, has eaten, has put my sandwich in the microwave for me, and is preparing to leave. Before he does, he comes in the room to give me my wake-up call: a kiss, a good morning, a have a nice day, an I'll talk to you later, all that good stuff.

Which is GREAT, but here's where it gets tricky. Some mornings, while leaning over me to do what I just named, CB wants to remain there and talk a little. But his face has been washed, his teeth brushed, his mouth rinsed out with mouthwash. I haven't done any of that, and so I'm laying there, pushing him off of me because I ain't comfortable with him all up in my face with my morning breath, spit-stained cheeks, crust around my mouth and all that. He's just as content as can be, and it drives me crazy. I switch to Psycho Woman mode and I'm like get off of me, move, leave! It's crazy...or maybe just I am.

Is anybody feeling me? Of course, I know that's on him that he wants to be all in my face in that state, but at the same time, I ain't gotta be comfortable with him being there, do I? Not that I'm like Whitley from A Different World, and want to get up before him, brush my teeth and all that, and look "beautiful" for my wake up call. (Heck, I got issues looking beautiful during the day. I gotta work on that too.) But I think my issue is I don't want him, in turn, to feel like I should want to be in his morning face either. Because I don't. And I ain't. Plus, the biggest annoynce of all is, he looks good in the morning! LOL He doesn't have spit on his face, crust around his mouth, and because my baby likes to sleep cuddled - he's gonna kill me that I said that - I'm smelling his breath and nose breath before he wakes up, and it doesn't stink, yall. Me, on the other hand...well, just take my word, it's not pretty!

Even during our morning or pre-morning romps, he's trying to kiss me and I'm moving my head away. What is it with him that he doesn't mind all that? One of us has some issues, and I think it's him! LOL

Baby, I'mma need you to just give me the kiss, make sure I'm up, and go on about your business. Because I don't want to talk to you in my morning state. Love you.

The Mrs.
*cracking up*

Vengeance

2006-11-01T15:41:00.000-05:00

Are you a vengeful person? I am. When I was in college, one of my literary classes required us to keep a journal of short stories. We had to write in a journal every day. Sometimes, each entry would be a whole story, and sometimes I would continue a longer story through several entries. At any rate, this professor, next to my A, would make these or similar comments: Not Your Momma, great imagination! Maybe you want to try a theme that does not involve revenge. / I see that in all your writings, the antagonist always gets his just dues. / Good is still prevailing, I see!

I honestly didn't realize this about my writing until the professor pointed it out. But once he did, I could not deny that that common thread was there. I got to thinking about me and how I dealt with life period, and the need for revenge was there too. The need to right wrongs and do unto others as they did to me was a must.

I will hold a grudge like my life depends on it. If you do me wrong, I can't even see straight until I've done something back to you. Or if I don't get you back, but I hear about your hard times, I'm the first to say well, that's why you should be careful how you treat people. OK, to have just typed that sounds a little evil and sick and emotionally distrubed, but sometimes I am. I have been told by friends that I'm too fairytale-minded. I naively believe the world is this balanced place where goodness returns goodness. And if I'm nice to you, you should be nice back. Well, so what. I do believe that, which is probably why I have a problem accepting bad as the return on my good. And why I will not rest until I've gotten you back. Even if I just store what you did in my brain for years and years. I just have a hard time forgetting wrong.

Well, NYM, sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Um, no I don't. I've tried that a few times. Hated it! I've tried apologizing when I was the one who had been wronged just to keep peace. Been there done that making excuses for people being mean and rude, electing to forgive and forget and be your friend again. So no, I don't want to be the big person all the time. Sometimes I want to be the petty, small person. Sometimes that feels better.

I know, the audacity of me to act like I've never been the one to wrong somebody else. Of course I have. And there I was in need of their forgiveness. But do you think that softens me? Do you think that makes me less quick to be the vengeful bytch that I sometimes am? No. And I'm working on it. I guess this is why we need to leave vengeance to the Lord. He is the only person capable of handing this very delicate issue. We're too biased and full of self and sin to think rationally about it.

At least I am.

This is Mrs. NYM, and I approve this message!

Love Triangle - But Not Really

2006-10-26T14:17:00.000-05:00

OK. Of course I had planned to have my next post be about my wedding, but a friend of mine shared her cousin's concern with me, and wanted to get my take on it. So I'm going to interrupt my love page (LOL) to give this advice. In a nutshell, here is the cousin's situation (the names have been changed):

Keisha and Brian are brother and sister. Keisha and Lisa are best friends, and Lisa happens to also be Brian's girlfriend. I don't know exactly how long Lisa and Brian had been involved, but at some point, Lisa caught Brian in bed with another woman. She went her way and he attempted to go his, but after much begging and pleading and promising, she took him back. Something happened recently, and whatever it was, was not told to me. But it left Brian beefing with Lisa, to the point he didn't call her for her birthday and some other 8th grade, girlish stuff. Introduce Brenda - the "sweet" girl who for work-related reasons is staying at Keisha and Brian's mother's house. One night, Keisha and Brenda go out. Keisha drops Brenda back off at her mother's house. The next night, the aunt walks into Brenda's room and finds Brenda and Brian in bed together. Angry, the mother calls Keisha and fusses with her about it. Keisha doesn't know what time Brian came home, but at some point, he did and found himself having cheated on Lisa a second time.

Now, Lisa is calling Keisha all the time asking about Brian. Why hasn't he called me (since the birthday, I'm assuming)? What's going on? Talk to me. All this, of course, leaves Keisha feeling caught in the middle of her best friend and brother. Her course of action, thus far, has been to tell Lisa she should just forget about Brian, based on his first act of indiscretion. She has avoided telling Lisa that Brian was just recently caught cheating again. Now, Keisha's being drained emotionally trying to avoid Lisa's phone calls, and trying to avoid having to break her friend's heart with the news. Then the stress of being loyal (I guess) to her brother is draining too. He is blood, after all.

At the end of the day, Keisha just wants Lisa to leave Brian alone on her own so that she doesn't have to rat on her brother.

Leslie says...

To Brian - He's a loser and I'm not even going to devote anymore finger energy to a person like him. Besides, karma is real.

To Lisa - She needs to GET A FRIGGIN CLUE! OK, she doesn't know that Brian just recently cheated on her again, but she senses something the reason she's grilling Keisha about it/him. If I have to call CB's sister and ask her what's up with MY husband/boyfriend, something is wrong. And the sister is not the one who can help me figure it out. I need to take that up with whoever my man is. Or I could do one better, and listen to my own intuition and cut all ties with the loser myself. People have said, sometimes, if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. He didn't call her for her birthday, hasn't called her since their fight and whatever else. Why are you talking to Keisha? Talk to him, and if he's nowhere to be found, let him stay lost.

Plus, come on now, she knows she's putting/keeping Keisha in an awkward position - the middle - of her best friend and brother. If she's your best friend, why put that stress on her? Be a woman and handle your own affairs.

To Keisha - The one I sympathize with most, but if I were you, I wouldn't be hiding from and avoiding Lisa's questions. You know your brother is wrong - family or not - and you know your best friend deserves better, so just tell her butt that he cheated again. Your brother can't be mad at you for telling the truth, and if he is, frake 'im! He'll get over it and be in somebody else's bed soon enough. If you don't want to do that, just tell Lisa, look, I'm tired of you putting me in the middle of you and Brian's affairs. I don't want to hear any more questions about him. You and I are friends and our friendship is separate from yall's relationship. And that way, you never have to tell her that you know.

People have problems with this whole issue anyway, and I don't know why - should you tell the friend if you know their partner isn't being faithful? The experience, if you never tell, is usually the one friend resenting the other for not telling. Or, if you tell, you get accused of being jealous or hateful and some other crap. Lookehere, I ain't gon stress myself and develop an ulcer foolin around with dumb people and their problems. I got my own. If I tell you, and you don't believe me, at least I told the truth. If I tell you, and you don't want to be my friend anymore, go the hell on. I ain't gon lose any sleep.

Bottom line: I believe you should tell Lisa what's up. But I know you probably don't want to, so just tell her to take it up with her boyfriend and leave you out of it.

Undecided in Brockton, Mass.

2006-09-06T18:10:00.000-05:00

I have been widowed for more than two years, and a nice man has asked me out. We hit it off great, but I have one problem. A friend of mine dated him years ago, and it didn't work out. She is now happily seeing a man she has been involved with for almost two years. She says you don't date a friend's past date. I think she's being childish. I believe this man and I will have a good relationship, and I don't want to lose him because of this. She will find out eventually, and I can't decide if I should take the chance of her not knowing for a while and see how it goes. In any case, I may lose her. Am I wrong? I have been out of the dating loop for 21 years and this is all new to me. I'd appreciate your opinion.

Leslie says...

Several of my female peers might disagree with me, but I don't think your friend's history with your current beau is a reason not to continue seeing him. That is, unless she still has feelings for him. But, she's happily seeing a new guy, and has been for two years, you say. So who the hell cares that she believes you shouldn't remain involved with him because they used to date? Tell her to mind her cock blocking business and stop trippin. He (nor your seeing him) should no longer concern her. And if she insists that it does, tell her to seek psychiatric help. Or better yet, tell her to talk to her current boyfriend about it and see what he thinks!

Straight From a Queen Himself

2006-08-02T07:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, we went out for my mother-n-law's birthday. Over dinner, my sister-n-law told us the story of a friend of hers who was engaged to a man. She had plans with a girlfriend of hers to go out. When she got to the girlfriend's house, the girlfriend started complaining that she didn't have anything to wear, and so she was no longer going out. My sister-n-law's friend said, then, that she would go on back home. When she got back to the townhouse that she shared with her fiance, she went upstairs to the bedroom and walked in on her man getting served by another man.

Fast forward all the trauma, and throwing up and professional help the girl did/sought - eventually, she confronted the guy her fiance had been sleeping with. Not angrily, but as part of her therapy, I guess, she wanted to get some feelings off her chest, and also find out how come she didn't know her intended was gay. The guy, she found out, had his own feelings to release and told her that he, too, was heartbroken and mad that his man had been dishonest with him. "He was supposed to be a queen like me," he told her. *blank stare*

During the conversation/confrontation, the girl finally asked him why didn't she know their man was gay. The first question he asked her was whether he was an upper or an under when they had sex. The girl had no idea what he was talking about, and when she let her confusion be known, the queen laughed and told her that was the problem with us women. You all don't know what signs to look for.

Well, my feelings about men on the DL aside, his statement struck a nerve with me because for the most part, he's right. And this fact both frightens and annoys me. Why should women have to look for signs? Why can't men just be honest? I don't want to hear about men being confused and unsure of their sexuality. Bullshyt! If you're not sure, leave women alone. If you don't know who you want to bed, don't bed anybody until you find that issh out. And for god's sake, if you know you have sexual desires for a man, be with a man and leave women the hell alone!

At any rate - because I'm not going to turn this into another blog about DL men (dayum liars) - my sister-n-law has invited this queen to her upcoming Ladies' Night. He's going to talk candidly about the signs that your man is gay. Now, I understand this will all be his opinion, but opinion or fact, I'll be there! No, I don't have any suspicions about my Chocolate Bear, but I am absolutely, 100% curious what this man has to say. My heart goes out to my sister-n-law's friend and other women like her. And if I can learn anything Saturday from this queen to help prevent another incident like this - because you know I'll be sharing what he says - then I'll feel like I've done a little something to combat this sick attack against women.

DurtyMo, Freckleface, Sandybaby, Babybear, Angel, Boston's Finest and Twin, if you want to check it out with me, let me know. It starts at 4:30 this Saturday. She's going to have more than just him there - but we're going to share thoughts on relationships, education, spiritual growth and finances. She's going to have a representative from World Financial Group to talk about investment opportunities. I ain't gon lie, though - I just want to hear about these signs straight from a queen himself! Because men be trippin!

Confused In Texas

2006-07-28T09:38:00.000-05:00

I am a 36-year-old female. I have been dating this guy I'll call "Louie" for more than two years. He never told me he had anyone else. But one day he let it slip that he had been living with this woman, "Grace," for more than 10 years. I'm not the type to break up a home. Had I known, I never would have dated him. By the time I found out, I was in love with Louie, and he said he felt the same about me. I never knew exactly where Louie lived or had his home phone number, but I did have his cell phone number. Whenever I'd call, it was either turned off or he wouldn't answer. Finally, I called information and got his home number, but I have never used it. Now, two years later, we have a child together. None of his family members know about our little girl. He says he does not want anyone to know right now -- especially Grace. He says she would leave him, take half his belongings and sue him for alimony.
He has given me less than $360 in child support since I gave birth. Louie says if I sue him for child support, things will get nasty. He says he will make my life a living hell. I hardly ever see him anymore. What is a woman supposed to do? I think he's afraid of Grace. I want to sue him for child support, and I have the papers filled out and sealed, but haven't mailed them yet for fear of what Louie might do. Please help me.

Leslie says...

Unconfuse yourself and get a grip. Stop acting simple! At least I hope it's an act. How in the world did you MISS the fact that your loser boyfriend is married? How do you convince yourself that it's OK to date a man whose home phone you cannot have? Or whose house you can never visit? Give me a break! And if that's not bad enough, you proceed to have a child with this man? Your judgement and common sense is lacking and needs to improve ASAP. You have a child now. You can't afford to make dumb decisions any longer. Send in the court papers and make Louie fulfill at least his financial obligations to his child. Ordinarily I would tell you to forget his threats because more than likely he doesn't mean them, but in the wake of cases like Yvette Cade, you should go to the police and at least put them on record. File for a protective order. Louie will have to be exposed (to Grace) for the cheating bastard that he is. But that's not your problem.

Grandmother in Missouri

2006-07-17T12:46:00.000-05:00

I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think?

Leslie says...

Your letter was tough. My first instinct was to go up one side of you and down the other for what has got to be the dumbest, most ignorant question I have ever been asked. But my mother taught me to respect my elders, and so I will simply say instead that no, I don't think circumcision prevents homosexuality. Number one, you only suspect your relative is gay. You don't know this is a fact. Number two, if he is, the best thing you can do for him is love and accept him, and pray for him.

Patient in California

2006-07-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

For the last year I have been involved with a lovely woman who has been separated from her husband for two years. Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son, she has not yet accepted my proposal of marriage. Her husband comes around several times a month to do work around the house and even balances her checkbook for her. They own several pieces of property together and both have good incomes. I have expressed my concern about what is keeping her from going ahead with a divorce. She claims she's waiting for her husband to file -- and he's not ready yet! I say they're both hanging on to each other because neither of them is ready to move on with their lives. Should I wait? Or should I give up and hope to meet someone who is available for a nice guy who has a lot of love to share?

Leslie says...

Please! Your girlfriend is still very much married and you need to wake up and realize that she is never going to divorce him. If she wanted to, she would have done it already. Should you wait? If you want to continue being used and made to look like a fool, then be my guest. But I would much rather see you tell the no good tramp good riddens, and move on to a woman who can be a better example of a step-mother to your son, and someone who will reciprocate the love you give.

Anonymous

2006-07-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

I met a very kind man about two months ago. From then on, we saw each other twice a week at group get-togethers. He would always lead me away from the others, talking to me and flirting with me. He's very forward. He is always touching me, putting his arms around me -- and he asked me for my phone number the second time I saw him. We have still been hanging out, but I found out he has a girlfriend! He doesn't know that I know. When I pull back from his touching me, he asks me why. Is it possible that he doesn't have a girlfriend? Or is he just one of those guys who will flirt with anyone -- including me?

Leslie says...

Yes, it's possible he doesn't have a girlfriend, but it's also likely that he does. And there's only one way to find out - ask him. Next time you're together and he gets to feeling and touching on you, ask him if he's sure his girlfriend doesn't mind his behavior. And remember: if he will cheat on her, he will cheat on you.

Hell No

2006-06-26T09:02:00.000-05:00

How was your weekend? Mine was excellent. CB, his parents and I drove up to NY Saturday morning to catch The Color Purple on Broadway. The experience was amazing. I was scied (sp). Felt a little privileged (sitting Orchestra Level, Row J) and boo-shee (as DM would say). This was my first time viewing a Broadway production (if that wasn't already obvious), and it won't be my last. I will NEVER look at musicals or plays the same.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you one of the songs Miss Sofia sang. I'm going to assume majority of you black people have at least seen the movie, so I won't spend a lot of time setting up the scene or describing the characters, but Sofia sang the following song to Celie after Celie told Hoppo to beat her.

I feel sorry for you / To tell you the truth (hmpf)
You remind me of my momma / Under your husband's thumb
Nah, you under your husband's foot / What he say go
Why you scared / I'll never know
But if a man raise his hand -- hell no
HELL NO!

A girl chile ain't safe / In a family of mens
Sick and tired how a woman / Still live like a slave
Ah, you better learn how to fight back / While you still alive
You show dem "girl" / And beat back dat jibe
'Cause when a man just don't give a damn -- hell no
HELL NO!

(Dialogue)
Celie: What you gon do now?
Sofia: My sisters comin to get me. I think I need a vacation on up and away from here.
Celie: Hoppo yo husband. You got ta stay wit him. I know you love 'im.

Sofia (singing again):
When that man used to touch me
He'd climb on top and start to rock me away
Lawd knows I still loves him
But he tried to make me mind and I just ain't that kind -- hell no!

At some point, Sofia calls her sisters, and they come running out of the house with the sink, chairs and other items, and begin loading them onto their wheelbarrow to haul Sofia away. One sister comes out weilding a shot gun, and they're all singing/shouting HELL NO!

I'm sitting there mesmerized by the caliber of performance and singing and moved by the story itself (The Color Purple is already one of my favorite movies and books.). But when Sofia sang this song - and you had to see it because part of its effect was in her facial expressions and other movements. During the first verse, when she sings "'cause when a man raise his hand...," she motions like she's preparing to block herself from a blow. But when she says, "hell no," she grabs the air and makes a fist, as if to grab the coming hand and stop it from hitting her. I cheered in my seat! (Corny, I know. But yall just had to be there and be feeling what I felt. It's actually what I've always felt when it comes to women accepting any and every kind of treatment from a man.)

Now, lest this seems to be about physical abuse, it is not. I have never been a victim, and for that reason, I'm sure my feelings about it would offend and be insensitive towards women who have been victims. So physical abuse aside, why don't more women say HELL NO to the other types of abuse and mistreatment by men?

One of the things Sofia's sisters sang was: "Don't be no fool, don't waste your time, a man who hurts you ain't worth a dime." Why the hell do women act like they don't know this? Why do women pretend to be dumb? Like they don't see a man's lying and cheating, using and abusing, taking and never giving tendencies? I know that sometimes the signs aren't always there, but I got sense enough to know most of the times they are. Why do we ignore them? Do we need a man that bad? Are we that afraid of being alone?

Now, I also believe that sometimes a woman can know a man is no good, but it just takes them a minute to do something about it (namely leave and refuse to settle for that kind of treatment again). But how come it takes some women years and years? Is it an issue of self-love, or the lack thereof? I always blame everything on low self-esteem. Is it that? If I love Leslie, am I going to allow somebody to treat Leslie any kind of way? How long am I going to be with a man who disrespects me, emotionally neglects me, cheats on me, impregnating other women including me? A man who lays around my house all day expecting me to take care of him, drives my car but never buys any gas or pays for any repairs? What does it take for a woman to finally be like HELL TO THE &*%$#!@ NAW?!

So Hard Not to Judge

2006-06-14T13:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Bloggers:

My turn! I need you all's advice on a lil situation. Actually, it's not little to me. I was just fussing to CB about it - rather heatedly, but then that's just my nature - whatever I feel I feel deeply - and he was like you shouldn't even have an opinion because it doesn't concern you. Now, he didn't mean that literally (that I shouldn't have an opinion), but he did ask me why it bothers me so much. And the truth is I don't know why. That's where you all come in. Tell me if I'm trippin or if you think there's some validity to why I want to strangle a good friend of mine.

My friend is 56, never been married and since I've known her (since 2000), she's been unlucky in love. When I met her, she was involved with a man she had been seeing/dating for 10 years. When she started "discussing repeatedly" with him the idea of getting married and not continuing as they had been, he brought her a ring. Whenever she would try to get him to talk about and settle on a date, he would become irritated. Finally, after her pressing the issue (in his mind it was pressing), and him not budging, she realized that he only got the ring to pacify her. He never intended to marry her. It was just to shut her up. Needless to say, it hurt her deeply.

She bounced back and I convinced her to try her luck with the Internet. I can't tell you how many married men she met. One guy, she did not find out until later on that he was married and she had already begun falling for him. Another let down. Through all of this - because she even speculated that she thought the guy of 10 years might have a wife back home somewhere - he was Caribbean - we had conversations about why married men cheat, blah blah blah. And she would often say maybe she was destined to only meet married men. I denied this statement adamantly.

Fast forward to 2005 where she meets and falls madly in love with another guy. We'll call him Gerald. Gerald is sweet, kind, respectful, thoughtful, blah blah blah. Months after the love bug has bit, she finds out Gerald is married. Here again, the feelings have already been invested. This time, she continues to see Gerald and is still seeing him. This past weekend, they get into a big fight because of "the situation," she said. She was mean to him, he hung up on her, it was over. But she called him back three times to apologize for being mean, but he didn't return the calls. When I asked her why she kept calling back, she said she was fine with the break up, but she didn't want it to end on a sour note. (Give me a #$@! break.) Instead, I'm like no Friend, it's not over. He'll call again. Her: No, I don't think so. It's over.

By the end of the day he had called and was picking her up after work. He's planning to go home (he's also foreign) in October for three months and she's so sure that with his absence, she'll be able to get him out of her system, and when he comes back, they can be friends but not lovers anymore. *blank stare*

Me: You know the minute he comes back, you're just gonna pick back up where you left off.
Her: You think so?
Me: I know so. But I hope that you really can get over him because I'd hate to see you years from now still in love with and messing with somebody else's husband. It's not fair to you to not be able to have a man whose not fully yours.
Her: Although it's not picture perfect, everyone's life is already mapped (predestined) out to be what it's supposed to be. And as sad as it is, maybe this is how it's supposed to be for me.
Me: No this is not at all how it's supposed to be.
Her: So you don't believe in predestination or destiny?
Me: Yes, I do. But this is not your or any other woman's destiny to be with a married man. It's your CHOICE.
Her: You know Gerald has said that God has put us together.
Me: I gotta get ready for lunch. I'll talk to you later.

Now, am I lunchin or what? I swear I love her, but I don't know how much more I can stomach. When she first found out that he was married, I told her then I did not like that she would date him, but she was a grown woman and could do what she want. And I told her, we can talk about everything under the sun, but I don't want to hear JACK about him or yall's relationship. (OK, I know that was wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me so.)

Slowly, our talking waned. We only recently, three weeks ago, began talking again. Over breakfast, she shared with me how great things were going with her and Gerald, and I felt my eggs coming up then. I mean to listen to her, look at her, she talks and acts like a woman deeply in love. But her man is married and I can't swallow it. (I know that's judging and wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me that too.) She's talking about getting mad with him because she was lonely one night and wanted him to come stay with her, but he couldn't. HUH?! I declare I don't want to be a judgmental friend or person, but I need yall to chastise me or somethin!

I understand CB's point that it's her life, not mine, she's grown, blah blah blah. But I be wantin to knock her the hell out when she's talkin to me. I swear I do. Maybe it'll take all of you all to tell me to grow up, Leslie; get over it, Leslie; get a life, Leslie; or whatever else you say. But I need yall to talk to me QUICK! Help Leslie better Leslie! LOL

Thanks.

What To Do in VA

2006-06-08T07:10:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, this post is what I've been waiting for. My very first, very real Dear Leslie. Wow! Some of you had asked me whether the other "letters" were real. Yes they are. But as I mentioned in my very first blog, they are actual Dear Abby letters. However, the replies were not Abby's - they were mine. And a friend of my brother peeped my blog, and has chosen to write to me, Leslie, for some advice. I'm honored...and I hope she read my disclaimer that I ain't her momma, so if nice and sweet is what she's looking for, she ain't bout to get it. LOL

Sike, I'm not gonna go hard like I would normally. But she's contemplating a major life decision, and I just want to give her some things to think about.

Here's her dilemma:

I’m a 26-year-old college graduate that resides in VA, who is in a situation and I am clueless as to what to do. Here goes: I met this guy on the Internet about 3 years ago, (who by the way lives in Washington State) and at the time we communicated pretty often via email and telephone. So after a brief time of talking, I decided to make a trip out there to see him. Fine….he was very hospitable and all that. So when I return to VA, we continue to still talk on and off. We decide about a year later that I would visit Washington, again. So again the trip is decent, but had to deal with a pop up ex-girlfriend…that I was clueless about. Anyway when I return home from that trip, the communication basically comes to a halt, out of the blue. But there are irregular emails that happen about once every 3 months or so, this goes on for about approximately 2yrs with basically no communication. Then one day I get an email from him stating that he has new contact information, so I could feel free to contact him if I wanted to. So I end up calling him to play catch up for a little bit. The funny thing is that we chat like no time had really been missed; we pick up where we strangely left off. We start talking non-stop for 2 months, and again I decide to go visit him. This time things are perfect, we seem to be in tune like never before. I return home and things continue going REALLY good, we are back to our daily 2hr + conversation. In the midst of all this we discuss really being together, and seeing that we have a lot in common. I find out that his family also lives in VA as well. So we even discussed me moving out there with him to make this “US” thing work out. He has expressed how he is really into me now and is really trying to be with me and only me and what happened in the past is something that will never happen again. So basically I’m on the verge of packing up and moving to Washington to be with him and yes I do mean move in with him. The whole 9 yards! What do you think?

First, let me shout out the world wide web, for it was the meeting ground of my Chocolate Bear. We're getting married on October 7, 2006, and I cannot wait to be this chocolate man's wife. (What's up, baby?! I love you.) [OK, I know if this was a professional column, that would have been very inappropriate. But this ain't professional, so deal with it! And I'm in love, with a wonderful MAN, so I'm braggin. Deal with that too! Hmpf!]

Sike, seriously, I have a couple of "issues" with your situation. Number one, why are you incurring the biggest expenses of this relationship? You flew to see him three times. How come his butt hasn't bought a plane ticket yet? You said after your first visit, that "we" decided you would visit again. I bet he did decide that YOU would have to spend money again because he sure hasn't spent any. Now, if he has come to see you, which I doubt, then great. And if he's paid for or given you half the money towards any of these flights, then even better. If not, let that be red flag number 1.

Number two, the whole ex-girlfriend drama. Things are going great, you're on visit number 2, and then up pops an ex-girlfriend. My suspicion is she wasn't as ex- as he might have explained. Oh, but wait. He hasn't given you any explanation, has he?! Red flag number 2! I don't care how great things are going now, he owes you some type of explanation. You said he said he really wants to be with you now, "and what happened in the past is something that won't happen again." Well, what happened in the past? If he's explained it to you, then great. If he's explained why the appearance of his ex-girlfriend suddenly forced two years of broken/no communication with you, and why when he resurfaces he has new contact information, then great. If he has not, you have a right to know.

Number three, why are you so willing to be the one "doing everything?" Spending your money to go see him. And now preparing to spend more money to relocate. If he has family (and you) here, how come he won't move here? What kind of compromise is you moving to Washington? How come the only decision you all could come up with was for YOU to relocate? Why are you the only one making all the major moves and sacrifices? Relationships are give and take, but I don't see what he's giving. You're getting ready to give up the life you've known for the past 26 years to go move across the country and move in with him. That's serious. And only you know whether that's a wise decision. Do you have a job lined up already? If you don't find work right away, what's the arrangement going to be with bills, etc? On several levels, you're preparing to go be totally dependent on a man....who is not your husband. What kind of life is that? There's a lot you need to think about.

OK, people, that's all I got. If you have some alternative advice for this sister, let her know. This decision is heavy. She needs all the advice and different perspectives she can get!

Peace!

The Coonery Must Stop

2006-06-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

OK. I shared with some friends yesterday that I had been working on this blog for weeks. We had just seen these idiots to my right, and got to talking about how unbelievably ignorant black people are, when I shared that that was the topic of the blog I was working on. I shared that I wanted to show with pictures the evolution of black, from images of nobility, grace and prominence to freakin disgraces like these. One of my homies, Boston'sFinest, insisted that I finish the blog because "the coonery must stop."

(Just wanted to credit her for giving me this title.)

Now, let me first point out in the second picture above - where our two spokesmodels felt compelled to show their faces - the two young sistas in the background. See the look on their face? Well, that's how I'm looking at them too. And that's how I'm looking at this grandmomma...who thinks it's funny to put a liquor bottle up to a sleeping baby's mouth; and these losers...whose credit probably wasn't good enough to even own this car, who saw worth in putting Cheetos stickers on their leased car, but who probably could only afford to buy the bag of Cheetos in the one dummy's hands; and this hooka here...who, Lord knows, we all make mistakes and I'm not judging, but couldn't find another dress to wear to the prom?

Where have all the good blacks gone? Where are our men and women with just a portion of sense and pride and direction and morals and brilliance and strength? Are they a figment of our imagination? Extinct? Played? Gone on to glory? I refuse to believe that all of our leaders and heros and thinkers are gone. I refuse to believe that all our children have to look at are images of booty shakin hookas in video after video; or thugs with nothing better to do than drive through neighborhoods showing off dub rims (or whatever the term is), but who ain't got a friggin dub in the bank. Where, somebody tell me, have all the good guys gone?

Even when all we had was what massa saw fit to let us have, we still looked like we had some sense and dignity about us. When everything we ever owned, and anybody we ever loved was taken away from us, we held our head high. As neglected and abused and mistreated and used as we were, you couldn't tell. There was a time when we could write the book on BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL.

Now, I don't know how many black people can spell the word BOOK! With everything that's at our disposal now - and people, please, let's not turn this into a discussion about even or uneven playing fields - I know all about that - but with the advantages that we do have today, we choose to represent ourselves as everything but classy and tasteful. And where the advantage isn't ours, why aren't we compelled to look and do and act better? So what we can't all live on Capitol Hill property, or drive "nice" cars, wear designer clothing, or be edcuated at above average schools. Does that mean we have to resort to this?

Dang, my people! What has happened to us? When will this coonery stop?

Peace!

Desperate in Detroit

2006-05-25T07:13:00.000-05:00

I'm a 20-year-old college student caught in a turmoil of emotion. My parents were divorced two years ago. It left my mother and me on our own. Not long after, to my great joy, my mom was back in the dating world. I was shocked the night Mom brought one of her dates home to meet me. She later explained that it was time for me to become aware of her new lifestyle. She was now living her life as a lesbian, and I had to accept it. I immediately moved in with my father and refused to return my mother's phone calls. I miss her, but I can't come to terms with this. What should I do?

Leslie says...

What should you do? Try not being so judgmental. She is still your mother. So what, she wants to date women now. Does that negate all that she has been to you? I would hope not. If you feel this strongly about it, try talking to your mom. Tell her how you feel, and start by apologizing for the wreckless treatment of her feelings. You don't just up and move out like she has the plague, or has done something wrong to you. In time, you may be able to come to terms with her new lifestyle. If you never do, however, you are free to feel how you want. But don't completely sever the relationship with her. She will always be your mother...and most times, you only get one.

Feeling Guilty in South New Jersey

2006-05-25T07:07:00.000-05:00

I had an affair with a married man several years ago. It ended, and now I am friends with his wife. I want very much to tell her about the affair because I feel so guilty about it. I see her every day. She has joined the same church I go to, put her kids in the same school as my kids, and we go to all the same parties and have the same friends. Everyone knows about the affair except her, and I feel uncomfortable every time I talk to her husband or when conversations arise regarding cheating. I know I'll feel more comfortable around her if I get this off my chest. Should I tell her?

Leslie says...

No you should not tell her. You only want to tell her so that you feel better, but in turn, you will make her feel horrible. And that's not cool. If you want your adulterous conscious cleared, go talk to a priest or minister or somebody whose profession is to hear confessions. But don't ruin "your friend's" life with this old information. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, and this is one of those times.

Richard in San Francisco

2006-05-25T06:59:00.000-05:00

I need your input. Young women today are wearing low-rise pants, short tops and thong underwear. While my wife and I were dining at a restaurant the other night, a woman was sitting with her back to us. She kept leaning forward over the table to talk to her date, and when she did, her top went farther up and her pants crept down, exposing the top 3 inches of her posterior -- with all that implies. I didn't want to eat my dinner while looking at the great divide. My wife said to do nothing and not to look. Should I have tapped the woman on the shoulder and asked her not to bend over, or should I have asked the waiter to do something? Luckily, she and her date left before our main course was served. It's the second time this has happened. What do I do the third time?

Leslie says...

I agree with your wife - do nothing and STOP LOOKING! Women are never going to stop wearing clothes that expose their thongs or "great divides," and it is not feasible for you to ask waiters or restaurant managers to make these women cover up. So to keep your pressure from rising, you just need to stop looking, or ask to be moved to another table. It's not that serious.

Sink or Swim in Arkansas

2006-05-24T12:14:00.000-05:00

I am a 30-year-old woman who has been dating a man I'll call "Paul" for almost a year. I love him and he says he loves me, but sometimes I have a hard time trusting him. Women call him here at my apartment at 4 a.m. They also leave messages on my answering machine inviting him over for dinner. Paul won't call them back if I am around. He says they're "just friends," but then he tells me he doesn't know how they got my phone number. (It's unlisted.) He swears he hasn't talked to any of them in more than a year. Am I just being insecure? If so, how does someone deal with these feelings of jealousy? Should I believe him and take the chance of drowning, or get out now and go on with my life without him?

Leslie says...

Dearheart, you have a hard time trusting "Paul," and I have a hard time believing you are serious. You cannot be this gullible and simple. Can you? You know daggone well that your beloved Paul is NOT an honorable man. And he's only getting away with this because you're letting him. Women call your apartment at booty-call hours of the morning, and he says he doesn't know how they got the number? Or that they're just friends? You're not being insecure, sweetie. You're being dumb. And if you don't wise up, then you deserve the heartache that being involved with him will bring.

Should you believe him and take the chance of drowning? If you know there's a chance you might drown, why are you wasting my time?

The Consequences of Rejecting a Man

2006-05-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

Just in case you don't watch the UPN sitcom "Girlfriends," let me briefly give you the gist of what happened in last night's season finale:

"Joan" was dating (or rather going out with and sleeping with) two different guys at the same time. One of the guys was a basketball player ("Jovaughn"), and the other guy was something like a TV producer. (I can't recall his name on the show right now, but he's played by Wayne Brady. So for the sake of this post, I'll call him "Brady.") Anyway, Joan really liked Jovaughn, and Brady really liked Joan. For a little while, she tried juggling the two men, but eventually decided that since she liked Jovaughn best, she would end things with Brady. Besides, she said, Brady was too nice a guy to continue stringing along. [Let me add that one night, Brady told Joan that he loved her, and Joan said she loved him too, although she did not.] Joan confesses to Brady that she had been seeing him while seeing "a famous, rich basketball player." Of course Brady was hurt and upset, being that he really liked Joan, and thought she liked him too. He said he didn't want to be with somebody who didn't want to be with him.

Fast forward to last night's episode. Joan went to an A-list party in Hollywood, got drunk, got sick - the whole nine. She's sitting outside on the steps when Brady arrives to the party. She immediately perks up, jumps up, makes small talk, and asks him for a ride home. And then Brady lets her have it. I can't believe you would ask me for a ride after you did what you did to me. You're not even that cute anyway. You're not as hot as you think you are. I despise you. You slept with me to get on the cover of this magazine. You're trash. And he bounced.

Now, my question is this: why do men wait until they have been rejected to demean and trash-talk a woman? If Joan was all these horrible things all along, why was he still content to date her? Why did he tell her that he loved her? (And for those that didn't watch the show, he really did love/like her.) But now that she had chosen another guy, she was a whore, she was ugly and all these other things.

The first answer that comes to mind is he's hurt. We all know that a man's ego is HUGE, and they are more sensitive than women. They fear rejection more than women, and so they lash out in their hurt. But is that it? Is this "phenomenon" that simple? Even though this happened on a show, I've experienced it enough to know it happens in real life too. A man approaches you on the street, makes his interest known, but when you make it known that you're not interested, you immediately get called all kinds of b&tches, and get told, you weren't that cute anyway! How does that work? I was cute enough a few minutes ago, but now I'm ugly?

Or was I always ugly (to him...cuz I ain't ugly, lol)? Was it that he only wanted sex from me in the first place? What was/is it, men? Why do some of you do that?

What Do You Think He Had to Say?

2006-05-04T12:16:00.000-05:00

Unless you live under a rock, you've heard of the tragic story of Yvette Cade, the 32-year-old woman who was set on fire by her estranged husband at a T-Mobile store in Prince George's County. I wasn't able to catch her appearance on yesterday's Oprah, but some friends did and all agreed that her story is a very touching one. Praise God that it's also a victorious one because Yvette did not have to be alive today!

At any rate, I just finished reading the article about her "tale" in the Metro section of today's The Washington Post, and while her entire story is touching and inspiring and very sad, something stood out as I read:

"Cade said she has had no contact with Hargrave since he attacked her. Two days before his trial, though, she got a call from jail and believes he was trying to reach her.
'Ten forty-seven at night, I get a collect call from a correctional institute. I couldn't believe it,' Cade said. 'What would he have to say to me? I was supposed to be dead.' "

I don't know why, but this struck a nerve with me...because I'm wondering too, what would he have to say to her? The nerve of him to call her after he did what he did. And I don't just mean setting her on fire; I'm talking about physically abusing her in the first place. I guarantee you he wasn't calling to apologize, and if I'm being presumptious, so what. Through all I've heard, and by the mere fact that he was capable of going to her job and dousing her with gasoline and putting a lighter to her back in the first place, he doesn't strike me as the apologizing type.

I really don't know why this has upset me so, and I'm trying not to lose sight of the fact that Yvette is still alive. And again, I thank God for that. But why did he have to go and call her? And I wonder what he had to say to her.

Yvette and her family are in my prayers. May God continue to bless and keep her.

Ya Filthy Animal

2006-05-03T07:52:00.000-05:00

OK. So I know I've been gone a minute. For the past two weeks, I've been commenting on Royce's Daughter and DurtyMo's blogs, and welcoming my Ace Boon, A. Marie, to the wonderful world of blog. And actually, RD and DM's blogs had inspired another subject - different from the one I'm about to discuss. I had been working on it all day at work, and last night, before I left, I was getting ready to post it...but the site was down. So I couldn't. No big deal. I'd just do it in the morning. Log off, gather my things, get ready to leave, hit the bathroom on my way out.

Imagine this - the bathroom has given me this morning's blog. If you're a woman (even if you're a man), you might already know where I'm going. So you know this will be gross, but unfortunately, it is also true. Women, ya filthy animals, I'll address you at the end.

First, the stench was overwhelming. It made my eyes water. No exaggeration. I thought maybe somebody had tracked pollen inside and my allergies were getting ready to act up. When you first walk into the bathroom on my floor, there's a short walkway. You have to walk up this little walkway, then turn the corner to the main bathroom/stalls. It wasn't until I reached the main bathroom area that I realized it wasn't pollen...it was somebody's butt! No, nobody else was in there at the time, but I guess it was the remains of all the booties that had used the facilities that day. I couldn't describe for you the smell if I wanted to. Just nasty! But that's not all.

Next, there was the search for an appropriate stall. Rarely can you enter a woman's bathroom and go into the first available stall. Instead, you have to push open each door and examine the stall. The first one I peaked into had period stains around the seat. The container for sanitary napkins was overflowing and the green paper from a sanitary napkin was exposed from inside. So was the yellow and white paper from a tampon.

So I push open the next door, after nearly losing my lunch, and dried up urine stains on the front of the toilet seat greeted me. And if that wasn't bad enough, there were fresh stains on the toilet seat, and toilet paper strewn about on the floor.

At this point, I'm really considering holding it until I get home. But I know that I wouldn't make it, and so I press on...to the third stall. Evidently, this was the stall that all the fonky people used that day because as soon as I pushed the door open, the smell liked to knock me out. NO really, I was about to pass out. (And let's just say I'm giving women the benefit of the doubt by saying more than one person used that stall, because if it was just one butt out of which that odor came, I need to check her pulse cuz she DEAD!)

I hurried up and shut that door, took a couple of deep breaths - I'm telling you, the smell was alien - and kicked open the fourth and final stall. (By then, I was more than annoyed and my bladder was killing me!) The fourth stall - the handicap stall - was in the best condition of them all, but it wasn't exceptionally clean or anything. I just couldn't hold it any longer.

NOW, ladies, what's up?! Why do I have to blog about bathroom and hygiene ettiquette? I know we could all share our stories about how filthy and stank public bathrooms can be, but um, WE'RE THE ONES USING THEM! WE'RE THE ONES MAKING THEM FILTHY AND STANK! So what the problem is?!

Part of the problem, I know, especially for bathrooms at work, is we have to depend on the maintenance people to clean them periodically throughout the day. And I have had many conversations (with Babybear, DurtyMo and Sandybaby (when she was here)) about the nasty conditions of the bathrooms and how the cleaning people (LOL @ that's what we call them) don't clean the bathrooms properly. I remember we all talked about this one feces stain that stayed on the bathroom wall, right behind the toilet, for weeks before it finally got cleaned. And as much as that is proof that the cleaning people don't clean the bathrooms like they should, I can't really blame them. Why should they have to clean up behind (let alone smell) a bunch of nasty, filthy women? Their job is to clean the bathrooms, I know. But our job is to keep them looking and smelling better than we do.

Condition of the Stalls - Whenever you finish squatting, don't you check behind you to make sure you haven't dripped on the seat? Well, you should. You know sometimes we don't pee straight and there's spillage. LOOK FOR IT! Turn your lazy, trifling behinds around and LOOK! If you've spilled, wipe that crap up! Don't leave it there to dry and crudd all up for the next woman to have to look at when she comes behind you.

Which brings me back to the feces stain on the friggin wall. How in the hell did it get there? Who did it? How do you do a number two and get feces on the wall, ya filthy animals?! And then how don't you know you put it there? Benefit of the doubt again - you didn't know it had splattered (I guess) onto the wall. If you had turned around and did a spot check, then you would have noticed and hopefully wiped it up. UGH!

And OMG, when we are on, ladies, we have to be even more careful. The same spillage rule applies. Look for any leaks. God knows we don't want to come in and see dried up RED. Can you imagine the smell of old period? Come on now. But beyond the spills, be courteous and wrap your napkins up tightly/securely. When I go to dispose of my own, do I want to see a half opened napkin inside that bin? Um, NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Make sure what you are disposing of goes completely in the container, paper and all. And if it's full, for goodness sake, don't force it. Bring it out with you and put it in the big trashcan. I don't want to see it when I walk into the stall, nor when I go to dispose of mine.

Condition of Your Butts - I feel like somebody's momma trying to explain to her daughter the importance of good hygiene. But the truth is, ladies, some of us ain't washin our behinds. I know you ain't because I smell you. The odor in the bathroom sometimes is sickening, and not that I'm the queen of smells, but you know when you're smelling a dirty mop used to clean the bathrooms, and when you're smelling a dirty arse. LOL!

One of our premarital counseling sessions, on sex and intimacy, included discussion about hygiene. I never would have thought it was that kind of issue, but it is. You can't expect a man to look forward to being intimate with you when there's an odor, can you? (Of course the same applies to men who want to go play ball all afternoon, then come back home, looking for the woman to want to get at him right then. No, honey, go use some soap and water first and then come holla atcha girl! LOL) And I'm talking odor beyond what's normal. I'm talking repulsive odors that only come from not washing. Ladies, nobody wants to smell that. Take care of it, hear?

All of the Michael Baisden (sp) shows this week are repeats. They're a bunch of "best of" shows. Well, anyway, yesterday's was about getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases. I was shocked and horrified listening to the number of women who said they personally know women who have never been to a gynecologist in their lives! If I may borrow an expression from the GGs, HUNH!!!!!?!!!!!

If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were lying. I can't imagine any woman never being seen by a GYN. Does she realize the bacteria and everything else she can have unknowingly? Forget about the diseases she can have and unknowingly pass on to a man. All I could think about was if she doesn't care enough about her cootie to go get it checked out by a GYN, then she probably doesn't care enough about it to wash it! And I was smelling her when I went in the bathroom before I left work. Filthy self!

And that's all I have to say...because if I keep going, I'll turn crass. (And I've consciously tried to remain polite.)

My point is/was this: women need better hygiene and bathroom etiquette. It amazes me how nasty we can be sometimes. Makes me wonder what other nasty habits we have, but I digress. I have to go to the bathroom again. Oh gawd! Yall pray for me.

I've Been Tagged My Own Friggin Twin!

2006-04-21T07:24:00.000-05:00

The only "tag" I know about is the game from back in the day when you got chased by the person who was "it." The object was to run to "base" and not get caught, or you would be "it." Aw. My childhood was so much fun. Yall remember "Red Light, Green Light," "Mother May I," "The Devil and the Pie," "Freeze Tag," or my favorite, "What Time is it Old Lady Witch?" Remember "Freaky Fridays?" Aw. I wanna be a kid again!

Anyway, thanks to Royces Daughter, I've been tagged. That means I have to tell 6 things about myself that I've never told anybody else. Well, some people already know these things, but most of you don't. I guess it still counts. *shrug*

***Disclaimer: I now know Jesus.***

1. When I was in college, I used to shoplift from the Wal-Mart. (OK, now I'm nervous. I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't stand my twin right now. Make me sick!) A friend of mine and I used to catch the bus (don't laugh) up to the shopping center and steal like our lives depended on it. I mean, we were up there every weekend, and sometimes during the week. People, we used to skip class to go steal. (Lord, I thank you for forgiveness.) Half of my CD collection is HOT - CDs were the main thing I stole. (I said main thing, not the only thing.) One summer, I had a rack of family and friends graduating from various schools. Every single graduation gift I gave was stolen. I even stole the wrapping paper to wrap them hot gifts! I "gave" cordless phones, packs of computer disks, CDs, alarm clocks, linen.

Anywho, one particular Saturday, we're doing our thing, and long story short, we got caught, handcuffed and arrested. *sigh* Yeah, I did a 24-hour bid down at the local jail. And I only stayed over night because I refused to call my parents. I would have rather stayed in jail than call Lawrence and Maria. It was a Saturday night, too, and they were home in the bed getting ready for church the next day? No suh, I'll stay right here, officer! I ended up calling a good girlfriend of mine, she wired the bondsman the money for me, and I got out. Commnity service served, record expunged, thank God for His grace and mercy.

FYI: I went to Frostburg State University, and it was a small town. (It was also straight out of the 60s, which is why I'm the militant person I am today, but that's another blog.) Our arrest made the friggin local paper, yall. It was so embarrassing. I had teachers pulling me aside in class trying to counsel me. The thing I regret most is the shame it brought to my parents. I didn't want those YT professors thinking my parents were bums, or I came from a dysfunctional home or anything like that. My YT teachers came to the court with me, had written glowing character letters on my behalf and I resented all of it. (That's another blog too.) I'll never bring this kind or any other kind of shame on my parents ever again. My mother almost fainted in the courtroom. It was a big shameful mess. *sigh* Oh, Leslie, what are we gonna do with you!?!

2. Number one was kind of deep for me, so I'm going to let that count as 2 things. Deal with it! So number 2 is I was arrested once. I don't like telling that because you know what people say about a thief - once a thief, always a thief. Well, that's not always true. But I ain't gon argue the point. Remember my friend who got caught with me? Well, she called one of her older brothers and he bailed her out. That summer after we graduated, I went to her graduation cookout at her parents' house, and it was the first time I had met her brothers. Why when I came through the door, they all started shouting, "Hide the silver! Put up the good china!" We can laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny when it was going on.

3. I met my fiance on Black Planet. (I need to get to a happy one after all of that.) Not to bore you with all the details, but I met him in August of 2003; he took me home to meet his momma in December of the same year; he proposed on his birthday on December 20, 2005. We are getting married on October 7th of this year. To say I'm in love is an understatement. I'm blessed to have this chocolate man in my life. He is the real deal. He isn't some cheap imitation of a man - he is the epitome of a man. He is quality, and I'm glad I held out for him. I could have settled for much less so many times. I can't wait to be his wife!

4. I kinda/sorta had a one-night stand too. I was on a cruise and slept with one of the musicians. (HaHa @ me acting like a groupie - he was the lead singer, though, LOL) I got on that ship HOT as I don't know what. I'd be lying if I said I didn't mean for it to happen. I plotted that. Prior to that encounter, I had been celibate for 3 years. I was some kind of guilty after I went home. The Holy Spirit whipped me something terrible, as He should have. Again, I thank God for His mercy and grace. It took me a long time to forgive myself, too. (I just have a thing with whoredom. I pride myself on not being one.)

5. When I was in college, I had a small run-in with a white professor. This is something else I'm ashamed of because I cried afterwards (and I'll get to that in a moment). Like I said, the university I went to was in a small, backwards town, and the school was predominantly white. I was in this upper level psychology class, "Psychology of the Personality," and was the only black person in the class. (That wasn't uncommon.) One day, the white, Papa-Smurf-looking professor came in, like he always did, and started lecturing. Normally, there would be a lot of dialogue about the assigned case study, but this particular class, nobody was saying much. He stopped and asked, "Did anybody read the case study?" Nobody said anything, so he started asking students one by one if they had read the assignment. "Did you read the case study?" Every student's answer was "no." I was sitting somewhere in the middle of the class, and when he got to me, he asked, "Did you read the case study?"

"No."

"Why not?"

I'm thinking, here we go. He didn't ask anybody else why not. Why I got to get grilled?! *sigh*
"Because I didn't."

"Well, I thought if anybody had read it, it would have been you. After all, the case was about a black person." (Of course, he put that emphasis on black. You know how they say it when they're really racist, right?)

So I said, "I don't care if it was about my mother, I didn't read it. Move on to the next person!"

"I need to talk to you after class."

Long story short, he threatened to write me up and go to the Dean for being rude and disrupting his class? Huh? Low point: I apologized to him, and then went home and cried. And I mean I boo-hooed. My feelings were hurt. I was mad that I apologized. Mad that I was crying about it. That thing shook me, and I pray daily for the Lord to remove this hate I harbor in my heart towards white people. Because I can say with no uncertainty that I hate them. And that's not Christian. And I do want to work on it. Sincerely. Yall pray for a sista.

Hmm. Let's see... This is an emotional little assignment! LOL

6. Before I started having sex, I used to have HIV tests taken. (Hold on. That's not to imply I don't take them regularly now! LOL I do.) My GYN thought I was crazy. She would ask me every exam, have you become sexually active since our last visit? "No." But I was terrified (still am) of any STD, and I was like I don't care what doctors, studies, books say about these diseases - how do I know I can't get something squatting over a toilet seat or something? How do I know I can't breathe in a virus? Test me, doc! *cracking up* I know it was dumb, but the thought so scared me that I didn't care. *sigh* There's this dancehall/ reggae song whose chorus says, "I love sex, but I don't want no STD." This is my mantra! LOL

*deep breath* OK, can I go now?

Witch Way to Turn

2006-04-11T12:28:00.000-05:00

My daughter “Danni” is 36. She was heterosexual until she spent five years in prison. Ever since her release, she has been living in a lesbian relationship with a woman named “Marty.” But sometimes she comes to my house and uses my computer to visit lesbian sites, trying to find another lover. I hate the woman Danni is with now. I try to treat Marty with respect because I love my daughter. But I am considering trying to find a spell book and casting a spell to make Danni break up with Marty. Do you know where I could find a book with spells in it? Marty is bigger than Danni. They got into a fist fight recently, and Danni came to me covered with bruises. Please tell me what to do. I don’t know…witch way to turn.

Leslie says...

I'm not sure, but you could probably find a spell book on the Internet. When you do, though, instead of looking for a spell to make your daughter break up with Marty, you should look for one to give your butt some friggin sense! Your daughter is being abused and you want to know where you can find a book of spells? Somebody needs to make YOU disappear, and maybe then someone else can get your daughter the help she needs to leave that abusive relationship.

Sad in the South

2006-04-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

For 35 years I have been married to the most manipulative, cunning, critical man ever born. "Homer" gets what he wants by using "helpful hints," offering "advice" and telling me "what's best," and sometimes even getting blue in the face and crying. He is very good at it, never quite overplaying his hand. He wears me down until I finally give in. By using this technique, Homer has made sure that we live where he wants to live, vacation where he wants to go, drive the car he likes, and have even decorated our home in his preferred colors. During the first years of our marriage, I gave in because I loved him. Later, I did it to avoid an argument. Now I do it out of habit. I loathe Homer for making me a doormat, and I loathe myself for allowing it to happen. Homer will be retiring after the first of the year with a very nice annuity, which I feel I have earned, too. I have a small pension, but it's too small to live on my own. I don't know if I can bear Homer's company 24/7, but can I really start again at 65? Everyone calls us the "perfect couple," but I am miserable and he is driving me closer to the door. I have often thought of just packing up and leaving. Can you help?

Leslie says...

Well, we both agree that you should loathe yourself for allowing Homer to make you a doormat. The key words are: you allowed. Create a new word and do a new thing: unallow. You're a grown woman with your own mind and your own ideas. You are not Homer's child, and it's time you stop allowing him to treat you as such. Can you start over at 65? What is this - some kind of rhetorical question? Because you either start over and move on to bigger and better things, or you continue to be a doormat the rest of your life. Now, do you really need me to tell you which you should choose? Instead of "moving closer to the door," write me back when you finally make it to the other side.

Holding Back in Ohio

2006-04-06T20:55:00.000-05:00

I recently began dating this guy, "Don," I met a few months ago. For the most part, he's good to me. The problem is I have strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure he feels the same way. Don says he loves me, and he does treat me wonderfully -- something I've always wanted -- but I have this nagging feeling that "something" will go wrong. I don't know where this stems from. I feel myself starting to fall in love with him, but I don't know if I should because he has been married four times already. Please help me. I don't want to lose him.

Leslie says...

Have you ever heard the expression that hindsight is 20/20? A lot of times, we don't see things clearly until after we've made a bad decision or done something we regret. The same "signs" were always there; it's just for one reason or another, we don't notice them until after the damage has been done. This man has had four divorces. Four failed marriages. This is not something you should take lightly. Take the time to find out why four marriages have failed with him. Take the time to really get to know him.

Remember, that "nagging" feeling you have is probably your women's intuition. It's the common sense inside of you that many women fail to acknowledge, let alone abide by when it comes to men and relationships. Listen to it. (It's probably saying, don't be number 5!)

Rita in New York

2006-04-06T07:07:00.000-05:00

I have a sister-in-law, "Mary." We have known each other for years. Mary lives in California, but she often sends us e-mail, and each time she does she always misspells my name as "Ritha." (My name is Rita!) I have tried pointing this out, but she continues to do it. How can I make it clear that my name is spelt Rita without appearing too rude?

Leslie says...

Obviously, dearheart, you don't have enough going on in your life. If you did, you wouldn't be worried about how your sister-n-law misspells your name in a friggin e-mail. If you've spoken to her about it, and she still hasn't corrected it, so what! Does your self-respect, or self-esteem diminish because your name is misspelled? Can you not understand the rest of the e-mail because your name is misspelled? Do you have nightmares at night because your name is misspelled? Then it's not serious and it's time you act like it. Get a hobby, will ya?! (And fyi, I didn't flip out when you misspelled "spelt," did I? Follow my lead.)

Stumped in Bethesda

2006-04-05T18:07:00.000-05:00

My daughter, "Brooke," is 12, and already she's causing me to worry. She has a serious boyfriend, "Lyle." It's not a secret. I have been pestering her to bring Lyle to meet me, but she never gets around to it. Brooke has never been a good student; however, lately she has been getting all A's in homework, but C's and D's in tests and in her school assignments. I suspect that her boyfriend is doing her homework for her. I know that Lyle is in high school because I have heard her talking on the phone to her friends. My problem is, I feel weird accusing him of anything when I haven't met him. Am I wrong? What should I do?

Leslie says...

Who's the parent here? You or "Brooke?" YOU should be the one helping her with her homework and staying on top of her schoolwork so that she can make better grades. Instead of "pestering" her to bring Lyle home to meet you, sit her butt down and tell her why she doesn't need a boyfriend, much less one in high school. Unfortunately, you have allowed your daughter to raise herself. And for this reason, she will most likely rebel against your newfound parental authority. But for her sake, and yours (young grandmotherhood), you need to begin being her MOTHER and not some passive bystander. At 12 years old, she shouldn't be calling any shots. You should. My pastor has said that we don't have a youth problem; we have a parenting problem. (You are the poster child.)

THIS IS AN INTERRUPTION...

2006-04-03T06:34:00.000-05:00

When I created this blog, I did not intend to post anything besides my ADVICE. I'm a woman full of opinions, but I wanted to refrain from posting my opinion about news and politics and current events. (I was going to leave that in the hands of some very capable, knowledgeable women - check out the blog of roycesdaughter. The woman knows about which she speaks! Hey, Twin!)

However, I could not resist commenting on this...this...I don't even know what the word is...this spectacle?...that Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney has created. (I'm going to assume you know what I'm talking about, so I won't bother with the back story. ) I promise you I won't be long...

The Washington Post quoted McKinney as saying that the officer initiated the incident by " 'inappropriately touching and stopping her' after she walked past a security checkpoint." Offended by the manner in which the officer stopped her, McKinney struck him with her cell phone.

I have only one question: this broad, who was not cleared to proceed and enter the building, thought she was supposed to just walk past a security checkpoint and go on about her business? Is she friggin kidding me? WTOP Radio reported this morning that McKinney plans to puruse this incident further with a lawsuit. And of course, she has alleged that it was race-based.

Come on, joe, race-based?! This was a security issue and nothing more. You were NOT recognized as belonging in the building. You were NOT cleared to enter the building. The officer had every right to stop you. But you had no right to haul off and assault the man with your cell phone. I don't frankly care how he stopped you. You proceeded through a security checkpoint without clearance to do so, so you needed to be stopped! Plain and simple.

Of course I know racism still exists and many things are race-based, but this wasn't one of them. I'm mad she has even gone there. I hate when black people play the race card unnecessarily. We holla racism sometimes to avoid taking responsibility for our actions. She failed to wear her lapel, identifying her as belonging in the building. That was HER fault. Not the officer's. Normally, I would argue - and I guess I still believe - that the actions of one black person don't reflect the entire black community as a whole. But she sure has cast another negative light on our already blemished image. I am disgusted with her simple self and this waste of media and time. She gets a big ole fat U-G-H!

Now back to your regularly scheduled program already in progress...

Desperately Seeking "Chrissy"

2006-03-31T10:25:00.000-05:00

I am a 28-year-old, unattractive guy who is in love with my best female friend. "Chrissy" is 25 and a single mother. I have always adored her. We met in high school in 1996. In 2002, Chrissy ran into an old high school boyfriend who was addicted to drugs and has psychological problems. She fell back in love with him, and soon they were dating. He was insecure about her having friends, especially someone of the opposite sex, so he gave her an ultimatum -- him or me. She chose him. A year later they had a baby. When Chrissy finally got it through her head that he was never going to change or give up drugs, she broke up with him. Being the good guy -- or fool -- that I am, I became close with her again. Over time, I have gotten to know her son and have treated him like he was my own. I do anything and everything for them. I would like to have a real relationship with Chrissy. It makes me sad that she'd rather go out with guys who don't really care for her (she admits it herself) than see how much I love her. I want so much to be with her, but I know she doesn't see me in that light. I don't know what to do. I don't want to say something because if I do, she'll pull back and probably stop seeing me altogether. My friends say I should speak up or stop seeing her, but I can't. To quote a song, "I'd rather live in her world, than live without her in mine." I pray every night for God to grant me this one prayer. What can I do to make this work?

Leslie says...

You should desperately seek some self-esteem because you are way lacking in it. You sound like a very caring, responsible, compassionate man that any woman would be fortunate to have. Do you know how many women are looking for these qualities alone in a man? Why are you chasing after someone who is so obviously not interested? (And if she is content to waste her life and time on no good men, she doesn’t sound too bright anyway. And she certainly doesn’t sound like she would appreciate you if you were together.) You say you’d rather live in her world than without her in yours? Newsflash, kiddo: you ARE living without her and she doesn’t bit more want to be in your world than the man in the moon. Move on. Get over her.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there is no truer statement. You are good-looking to somebody (and at least that somebody should be you). Still, there could be a woman dying for your attention right now, but you can’t see her for staring at the back of Chrissy’s head. Stop it. There is nothing worse than being in love by yourself. And Chrissy does not love you…not the way you love her. But it’s her loss.

Army Wife in North Carolina

2006-03-31T10:11:00.000-05:00

My husband, "Rick," spent a year in Iraq. He has been home for 3 1/2 months. Before his return, the Army gave out a lot of information for us about what to expect upon his arrival -- how he might act, how the kids might react. None of it seems to have helped me. Rick has had no trouble adjusting to being home. He has experienced no serious side effects from being there. The problem is me. While Rick was gone, I did everything. I took care of our little boy, ran the house -- handled everything. Now that Rick is home, I'm having a hard time relearning how to share MY child and MY house with him. Yes, Abby, I know it's his baby and his house, too.

Rick's deployment was the first time I had ever lived by myself -- and I liked it. Now it seems that everything he does is wrong. Things that never used to bother me set me off now. I have gone from being a laid-back, patient person to a ranting, raving she-devil. Rick loads the dishwasher wrong and puts the toilet paper in backward; he drives wrong. Everything he does is wrong, because he does it differently than I do. What's wrong with me? I know I'm acting like a lunatic. I love my husband very much and don't want to act this way. I want our marriage to be successful and happy. What can I do?

Leslie says...

I waited your entire letter for just a smidgeon of something resembling gratitude or happiness. Not once did you write how proud you are of your husband’s service to his country. Not once did you say that you are happy to have him home again. Never did you express how thankful to God you are for sparing your husband’s life. So I have no idea how to get it through your selfish head just how blessed and fortunate you are. There are many wives and families who will never see their loved ones again. There are children who have to grow up now without their parent. But instead of recognizing this and being grateful, all you do is complain about what he’s doing different from you? Please find the nearest station and get an attitude check immediately!

Likes the Attention in Norton, Mass.

2006-03-31T09:44:00.000-05:00

I work with a man named James. We have become friends over the past few weeks, and it's obvious there is an attraction between us. I would never want to break up a marriage, and I don't want to change our relationship. Is simply flirting with a married man -- who flirts back -- okay if neither of you has any intentions?

Leslie says...

If you don’t want to break up a marriage, then you won’t. If you sleep with that married man, then you wanted to. We are all adults. You know what you really want to happen between you and James, so for goodness sake, stop pretending. If he wanted to move beyond “simple flirting,” you know you wouldn’t oppose. Just be truthful about it and remember these karma essentials: the same bed we make is the one we have to lay in; our decisions don’t only affect us; and the bad choices we make today will come back to haunt us tomorrow. Only you can decide whether you’ll remain a woman of virtue and morals, or become a home-wrecking adulteress.

This is Not Your Momma's Advice...

2006-03-31T09:04:00.000-05:00

I am not a professional in the area of sociology. What I am is an observer of life. I don't have any degrees or licenses in psychology, counseling or therapy. What I do have is insight that is raw, unbiased and most important, real. Any advice or opinion I have is strongly felt and for that reason, I have been criticized and praised by friends and family.

This blog now contains actual Dear Abby entries, followed by my own advice. Hopefully, you will be compelled to share some of your own concerns and problems. If you do, I promise to give you the Answer, Direction, Voice, Insight, and Counsel that leads to your Enlightment (ADVICE) - at least the way that I see it. Once more, I am not a professional in this area, but sometimes, that's what we need. We need someone who can go beyond what the textbooks say, and tell you what life says!

I agree that some problems require the experience and expertise of a professional, and to give the wrong advice to someone who is already emotionally overwhelmed can cause more harm than good. But many times, all people need is advice that's nothing more than good, old-fashioned common sense. This is that advice! Some people's problem has been that everything is sugarcoated for them. Nobody has taken the time to "tell it like it is." Well, this is that time. And you don't need a professional degree to do it!

If after reading these entries, you feel compelled to solicit my thoughts about your own situation, great! If you don't, that's great also. Just enjoy these entries, my comments and share with me your approval or disapproval for what I have to say! I'm open to that too.

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32)

Peace!