So Hard Not to Judge

Dear Bloggers:

My turn! I need you all's advice on a lil situation. Actually, it's not little to me. I was just fussing to CB about it - rather heatedly, but then that's just my nature - whatever I feel I feel deeply - and he was like you shouldn't even have an opinion because it doesn't concern you. Now, he didn't mean that literally (that I shouldn't have an opinion), but he did ask me why it bothers me so much. And the truth is I don't know why. That's where you all come in. Tell me if I'm trippin or if you think there's some validity to why I want to strangle a good friend of mine.

My friend is 56, never been married and since I've known her (since 2000), she's been unlucky in love. When I met her, she was involved with a man she had been seeing/dating for 10 years. When she started "discussing repeatedly" with him the idea of getting married and not continuing as they had been, he brought her a ring. Whenever she would try to get him to talk about and settle on a date, he would become irritated. Finally, after her pressing the issue (in his mind it was pressing), and him not budging, she realized that he only got the ring to pacify her. He never intended to marry her. It was just to shut her up. Needless to say, it hurt her deeply.

She bounced back and I convinced her to try her luck with the Internet. I can't tell you how many married men she met. One guy, she did not find out until later on that he was married and she had already begun falling for him. Another let down. Through all of this - because she even speculated that she thought the guy of 10 years might have a wife back home somewhere - he was Caribbean - we had conversations about why married men cheat, blah blah blah. And she would often say maybe she was destined to only meet married men. I denied this statement adamantly.

Fast forward to 2005 where she meets and falls madly in love with another guy. We'll call him Gerald. Gerald is sweet, kind, respectful, thoughtful, blah blah blah. Months after the love bug has bit, she finds out Gerald is married. Here again, the feelings have already been invested. This time, she continues to see Gerald and is still seeing him. This past weekend, they get into a big fight because of "the situation," she said. She was mean to him, he hung up on her, it was over. But she called him back three times to apologize for being mean, but he didn't return the calls. When I asked her why she kept calling back, she said she was fine with the break up, but she didn't want it to end on a sour note. (Give me a #$@! break.) Instead, I'm like no Friend, it's not over. He'll call again. Her: No, I don't think so. It's over.

By the end of the day he had called and was picking her up after work. He's planning to go home (he's also foreign) in October for three months and she's so sure that with his absence, she'll be able to get him out of her system, and when he comes back, they can be friends but not lovers anymore. *blank stare*

Me: You know the minute he comes back, you're just gonna pick back up where you left off.
Her: You think so?
Me: I know so. But I hope that you really can get over him because I'd hate to see you years from now still in love with and messing with somebody else's husband. It's not fair to you to not be able to have a man whose not fully yours.
Her: Although it's not picture perfect, everyone's life is already mapped (predestined) out to be what it's supposed to be. And as sad as it is, maybe this is how it's supposed to be for me.
Me: No this is not at all how it's supposed to be.
Her: So you don't believe in predestination or destiny?
Me: Yes, I do. But this is not your or any other woman's destiny to be with a married man. It's your CHOICE.
Her: You know Gerald has said that God has put us together.
Me: I gotta get ready for lunch. I'll talk to you later.

Now, am I lunchin or what? I swear I love her, but I don't know how much more I can stomach. When she first found out that he was married, I told her then I did not like that she would date him, but she was a grown woman and could do what she want. And I told her, we can talk about everything under the sun, but I don't want to hear JACK about him or yall's relationship. (OK, I know that was wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me so.)

Slowly, our talking waned. We only recently, three weeks ago, began talking again. Over breakfast, she shared with me how great things were going with her and Gerald, and I felt my eggs coming up then. I mean to listen to her, look at her, she talks and acts like a woman deeply in love. But her man is married and I can't swallow it. (I know that's judging and wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me that too.) She's talking about getting mad with him because she was lonely one night and wanted him to come stay with her, but he couldn't. HUH?! I declare I don't want to be a judgmental friend or person, but I need yall to chastise me or somethin!

I understand CB's point that it's her life, not mine, she's grown, blah blah blah. But I be wantin to knock her the hell out when she's talkin to me. I swear I do. Maybe it'll take all of you all to tell me to grow up, Leslie; get over it, Leslie; get a life, Leslie; or whatever else you say. But I need yall to talk to me QUICK! Help Leslie better Leslie! LOL

Thanks.