Wednesday, June 14, 2006

So Hard Not to Judge

Dear Bloggers:

My turn! I need you all's advice on a lil situation. Actually, it's not little to me. I was just fussing to CB about it - rather heatedly, but then that's just my nature - whatever I feel I feel deeply - and he was like you shouldn't even have an opinion because it doesn't concern you. Now, he didn't mean that literally (that I shouldn't have an opinion), but he did ask me why it bothers me so much. And the truth is I don't know why. That's where you all come in. Tell me if I'm trippin or if you think there's some validity to why I want to strangle a good friend of mine.

My friend is 56, never been married and since I've known her (since 2000), she's been unlucky in love.
When I met her, she was involved with a man she had been seeing/dating for 10 years. When she started "discussing repeatedly" with him the idea of getting married and not continuing as they had been, he brought her a ring. Whenever she would try to get him to talk about and settle on a date, he would become irritated. Finally, after her pressing the issue (in his mind it was pressing), and him not budging, she realized that he only got the ring to pacify her. He never intended to marry her. It was just to shut her up. Needless to say, it hurt her deeply.

She bounced back and I convinced her to try her luck with the Internet. I can't tell you how many married men she met. One guy, she did not find out until later on that he was married and she had already begun falling for him. Another let down. Through all of this - because she even speculated that she thought the guy of 10 years might have a wife back home somewhere - he was Caribbean - we had conversations about why married men cheat, blah blah blah. And she would often say maybe she was destined to only meet married men. I denied this statement adamantly.

Fast forward to 2005 where she meets and falls madly in love with another guy. We'll call him Gerald. Gerald is sweet, kind, respectful, thoughtful, blah blah blah. Months after the love bug has bit, she finds out Gerald is married. Here again, the feelings have already been invested. This time, she continues to see Gerald and is still seeing him. This past weekend, they get into a big fight because of "the situation," she said. She was mean to him, he hung up on her, it was over. But she called him back three times to apologize for being mean, but he didn't return the calls. When I asked her why she kept calling back, she said she was fine with the break up, but she didn't want it to end on a sour note. (Give me a #$@! break.) Instead, I'm like no Friend, it's not over. He'll call again. Her: No, I don't think so. It's over.


By the end of the day he had called and was picking her up after work. He's planning to go home (he's also foreign) in October for three months and she's so sure that with his absence, she'll be able to get him out of her system, and when he comes back, they can be friends but not lovers anymore. *blank stare*

Me: You know the minute he comes back, you're just gonna pick back up where you left off.
Her: You think so?
Me: I know so. But I hope that you really can get over him because I'd hate to see you years from now still in love with and messing with somebody else's husband. It's not fair to you to not be able to have a man whose not fully yours.
Her: Although it's not picture perfect, everyone's life is already mapped (predestined) out to be what it's supposed to be. And as sad as it is, maybe this is how it's supposed to be for me.
Me: No this is not at all how it's supposed to be.
Her: So you don't believe in predestination or destiny?
Me: Yes, I do. But this is not your or any other woman's destiny to be with a married man. It's your CHOICE.
Her: You know Gerald has said that God has put us together.
Me: I gotta get ready for lunch. I'll talk to you later.

Now, am I lunchin or what? I swear I love her, but I don't know how much more I can stomach. When she first found out that he was married, I told her then I did not like that she would date him, but she was a grown woman and could do what she want. And I told her, we can talk about everything under the sun, but I don't want to hear JACK about him or yall's relationship. (OK, I know that was wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me so.)

Slowly, our talking waned. We only recently, three weeks ago, began talking again. Over breakfast, she shared with me how great things were going with her and Gerald, and I felt my eggs coming up then. I mean to listen to her, look at her, she talks and acts like a woman deeply in love. But her man is married and I can't swallow it. (I know that's judging and wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me that too.) She's talking about getting mad with him because she was lonely one night and wanted him to come stay with her, but he couldn't. HUH?! I declare I don't want to be a judgmental friend or person, but I need yall to chastise me or somethin!

I understand CB's point that it's her life, not mine, she's grown, blah blah blah. But I be wantin to knock her the hell out when she's talkin to me. I swear I do. Maybe it'll take all of you all to tell me to grow up, Leslie; get over it, Leslie; get a life, Leslie; or whatever else you say. But I need yall to talk to me QUICK! Help Leslie better Leslie! LOL

Thanks.

12 Comments:

At 12:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, then Leslie! I agree with you, enough said! she needs jesus, we can't judge her just provide advice.. she is desperate in DC or whereva she live. It is sad that she is settling for the same type of man :-(

boston'sfinest!

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger MrsNotYourMomma said...

And let me say that I know at the heart of this I am judging, and I'm trying to work on that. But ultimately, if she wants to mess with a married man, then mess with him. Just don't try to force feed me it's your destiny. That ain't got shyt to do with destiny. That's your CHOICE!

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger MrsNotYourMomma said...

@ BF - *dead* @ she needs jesus. Thank you. Can't judge her, just provide advice. OK. So noted.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger DurtyMo said...

lol@ u waiting to be chastised - hilarious. Honestly, all I can say about the situation is try to remain her friend even if you have to do it at a distance. It is obvious that this woman has issues and she KNOWS she has them so aint no need for you to continue to waste your breath tryna tell her stuff she already knows. On the flip side, when you know better you do better. And because you know better you're trying to help her do better. Catch 22. Until she's truly "tired" of her situation, she's gonna continue her same ole pitiful cycle. Hopefully she'll learn to care more about herself more so than not wanting to end a relationship with a married man on a sour note. Say what? Ok that's my 2 cents.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger MrsNotYourMomma said...

@ DM - YOU'RE MY advisor. Thanks, kiddo! LOL You're so right. You grow me every time.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Little Brown Girl said...

I believe that God has instituted a great law on this here earth. It is so great that it doesn't have to be written and it is governed within the spirit realm but punishment is executed in the earthly realm. This law my dear friends is called KARMA!!!

I know we get tired of hearing it but if this isn't an example of it I don't know what is. Your dear friend is destined for a life of utter and complete lonliness. She is violating one of the Most High's most sacred institutions by willingly participating she is sentencing herself to a life of absolute nothingness (I made that up LOL).

I don't think your judging her...you are however stating the facts. You look like a dayum fool sis and for whatever reasons your choosing to live the rest of your life lonely...don't put that on God, don't try to make him responsible for your screw ups and greed...taking anything just to have something will reap a heavy price tag when the time comes to pay up...and we all will pay up one day.

God has a will for all of our lives...and in that will he desires for all of us to be happy. He has even placed a person on this planet to be a perfect mate for us. When we try to live by our own design this is the crappy shyt we come up with (settling for an *african* who doesn't give two stankin shyts about us) because we are too full of our own selves to be patient enough to let God do his job.

So I know you love your homie and all but shyt on that...she STUPID SON!!! And I mean that in the nicest of ways. This ain't her destiny..it's her simple azz decision. She is living the consequences of that decision everyday when she wakes up in her bed ALONE. Oh and tell her to get use to an empty bed cause it's gone be like that for as long as she continues to do her own thing instead of God's thing!

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Little Brown Girl said...

Yeah I think I'm a judgemental piece of shyt myself...but OHWELL!!!

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger MrsNotYourMomma said...

@ RD - YOU, my dear, are the quintessential shyt! You just took our twinness (I made that word up myself) to a whole notha level! Girl, if I knew it wouldn't start rumors, I'd kisss ya ret now! LOL

Yall, THAT was some preachin. Come on let's bow our heads, have the benediction and go down from this place.

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger SandyBaby said...

I agree with Roycee - this is going to bite her in the @zz. She is stupid.

Destiny? That's a bunch of crap! If she really believes that then she is straight lying to herself. And furthermore, I can't believe that "african" says that God wants for them to be together!!!!@ Is this fool serious. Don't be dragging the Lord into your mess. He don't play that!

Me myself personally, I don't know if I could be her friend and listen to her go on and on about this cat. I couldn't deal. She has a bad case of Stupid Woman Syndrome.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger DurtyMo said...

LOL @ RD. Did you say settling for a african that dont give two stanking shytz though? HA! I love it! Woowee. Les you need to send this link to her in a email or something cuz really!

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger a.Marie said...

The good lord giveth....and the good lord taketh away.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Enigma said...

Truth is this is your friend and that is why you feel so strongly. It is not that you are judging, really you are concerned and you know what is coming. What is probably really getting you is she knows to but she is playing at being dumb. That response she gave for why she is allowing this situation makes no sense. She is passing the buck to God basically. Whateva. Pray for her, and pray specifcally that common sense reigns in her mind for a moment. She is responsible for her life, she makes her own decisions and decides whether she listens to God or not.
You are not wrong, just concerned. Nobody wants to see their friends crash and burn. Even when they are being acting special.

 

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