What To Do in VA

Ladies and gentlemen, this post is what I've been waiting for. My very first, very real Dear Leslie. Wow! Some of you had asked me whether the other "letters" were real. Yes they are. But as I mentioned in my very first blog, they are actual Dear Abby letters. However, the replies were not Abby's - they were mine. And a friend of my brother peeped my blog, and has chosen to write to me, Leslie, for some advice. I'm honored...and I hope she read my disclaimer that I ain't her momma, so if nice and sweet is what she's looking for, she ain't bout to get it. LOL

Sike, I'm not gonna go hard like I would normally. But she's contemplating a major life decision, and I just want to give her some things to think about.

Here's her dilemma:

I’m a 26-year-old college graduate that resides in VA, who is in a situation and I am clueless as to what to do. Here goes: I met this guy on the Internet about 3 years ago, (who by the way lives in Washington State) and at the time we communicated pretty often via email and telephone. So after a brief time of talking, I decided to make a trip out there to see him. Fine….he was very hospitable and all that. So when I return to VA, we continue to still talk on and off. We decide about a year later that I would visit Washington, again. So again the trip is decent, but had to deal with a pop up ex-girlfriend…that I was clueless about. Anyway when I return home from that trip, the communication basically comes to a halt, out of the blue. But there are irregular emails that happen about once every 3 months or so, this goes on for about approximately 2yrs with basically no communication. Then one day I get an email from him stating that he has new contact information, so I could feel free to contact him if I wanted to. So I end up calling him to play catch up for a little bit. The funny thing is that we chat like no time had really been missed; we pick up where we strangely left off. We start talking non-stop for 2 months, and again I decide to go visit him. This time things are perfect, we seem to be in tune like never before. I return home and things continue going REALLY good, we are back to our daily 2hr + conversation. In the midst of all this we discuss really being together, and seeing that we have a lot in common. I find out that his family also lives in VA as well. So we even discussed me moving out there with him to make this “US” thing work out. He has expressed how he is really into me now and is really trying to be with me and only me and what happened in the past is something that will never happen again. So basically I’m on the verge of packing up and moving to Washington to be with him and yes I do mean move in with him. The whole 9 yards! What do you think?

First, let me shout out the world wide web, for it was the meeting ground of my Chocolate Bear. We're getting married on October 7, 2006, and I cannot wait to be this chocolate man's wife. (What's up, baby?! I love you.) [OK, I know if this was a professional column, that would have been very inappropriate. But this ain't professional, so deal with it! And I'm in love, with a wonderful MAN, so I'm braggin. Deal with that too! Hmpf!]

Sike, seriously, I have a couple of "issues" with your situation. Number one, why are you incurring the biggest expenses of this relationship? You flew to see him three times. How come his butt hasn't bought a plane ticket yet? You said after your first visit, that "we" decided you would visit again. I bet he did decide that YOU would have to spend money again because he sure hasn't spent any. Now, if he has come to see you, which I doubt, then great. And if he's paid for or given you half the money towards any of these flights, then even better. If not, let that be red flag number 1.

Number two, the whole ex-girlfriend drama. Things are going great, you're on visit number 2, and then up pops an ex-girlfriend. My suspicion is she wasn't as ex- as he might have explained. Oh, but wait. He hasn't given you any explanation, has he?! Red flag number 2! I don't care how great things are going now, he owes you some type of explanation. You said he said he really wants to be with you now, "and what happened in the past is something that won't happen again." Well, what happened in the past? If he's explained it to you, then great. If he's explained why the appearance of his ex-girlfriend suddenly forced two years of broken/no communication with you, and why when he resurfaces he has new contact information, then great. If he has not, you have a right to know.

Number three, why are you so willing to be the one "doing everything?" Spending your money to go see him. And now preparing to spend more money to relocate. If he has family (and you) here, how come he won't move here? What kind of compromise is you moving to Washington? How come the only decision you all could come up with was for YOU to relocate? Why are you the only one making all the major moves and sacrifices? Relationships are give and take, but I don't see what he's giving. You're getting ready to give up the life you've known for the past 26 years to go move across the country and move in with him. That's serious. And only you know whether that's a wise decision. Do you have a job lined up already? If you don't find work right away, what's the arrangement going to be with bills, etc? On several levels, you're preparing to go be totally dependent on a man....who is not your husband. What kind of life is that? There's a lot you need to think about.


OK, people, that's all I got. If you have some alternative advice for this sister, let her know. This decision is heavy. She needs all the advice and different perspectives she can get!

Peace!