Brokenhearted in Portland

DEAR ABBY: Long story short, my husband of 11 years and I were having serious marital problems and on the verge of divorce. At the same time, my sister moved in with us -- at my invitation. Apparently, one thing led to another, and she and my husband say they have fallen in love. My husband and I decided to try and save our marriage. Then, two days later, he and my sister slept together! I kicked both of them out of my house. They think they did nothing wrong because, according to my husband, he has no intention of working anything out with me. I say he's an S.O.B., and my sister is a @#!%#. Am I wrong? Everyone in my family agrees with me, and I am being painted by my sister and my husband as "turning everyone against her." I say I'm justified. What makes it harder is I still love them both and have now lost my sister and my best friend, and I don't know what to do.

-- BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

Dear Brokenhearted:

Yes, your husband is a sorry SOB and your sister is a whore. But your first mistake was to move her in, in the midst of all the problems you and your husband were having. That does not excuse their behavior, however. It is just a lesson learned in hindsight at this point. Eventually, your sister and husband will pay for the horrible choice they made because to sleep together while you were still married to him is disgusting. But it is forgivable, and eventually, you will have to forgive them so that you can move on with your life. You're already headed in that direction by admitting you do still love them both. And hopefully, they recognize the wrong they did and will ask for your forgiveness. If not, don't you worry about it. Two azzholes like them deserve each other anyway. Your sister, especially, should seek your forgiveness and reconciliation. She's upset that you are turning the family against her when she should be sorry that she betrayed her sister, her best friend like this. Hopefully she'll come around, but the best thing for you to do now is forgive them and move on.

Couple's Views on Sex Don't Bode Well for the Future

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either. Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again. I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date. However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do?

-- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Deflowered:

First, I commend you for re-dedicating your body back to Christ (or whoever you believe in) and being committed to wait until marriage to have sex again. Secondary virginity is a concept that not too many people accept, let alone understand. But it is very real, and their opinion shouldn't deter you from continuing to wait, nor should it cause you to feel devalued. You are still valuable. Yes, purity is more an issue of the heart than the body. Now concerning Chris, I will say that he shows promise by still wanting to date you and be friends with you. But you would not be wrong if you tell him that you no longer want to date him. If you continue dating, and then after he "thinks about it," he decides to no longer continue the relationship, then you will have wasted time with him that you could have spent getting to know someone else. Chris has a right to prefer a virgin for marriage, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't have the right to make you unworthy because you aren't - that's for Christ to judge - and he doesn't have the right to continue stringing you along, keeping your emotions invested, while he thinks about what he wants to do. The decision is actually not his to make, but yours.