Hell No

How was your weekend? Mine was excellent. CB, his parents and I drove up to NY Saturday morning to catch The Color Purple on Broadway. The experience was amazing. I was scied (sp). Felt a little privileged (sitting Orchestra Level, Row J) and boo-shee (as DM would say). This was my first time viewing a Broadway production (if that wasn't already obvious), and it won't be my last. I will NEVER look at musicals or plays the same.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you one of the songs Miss Sofia sang. I'm going to assume majority of you black people have at least seen the movie, so I won't spend a lot of time setting up the scene or describing the characters, but Sofia sang the following song to Celie after Celie told Hoppo to beat her.

I feel sorry for you / To tell you the truth (hmpf)
You remind me of my momma / Under your husband's thumb
Nah, you under your husband's foot / What he say go
Why you scared / I'll never know
But if a man raise his hand -- hell no
HELL NO!

A girl chile ain't safe / In a family of mens
Sick and tired how a woman / Still live like a slave
Ah, you better learn how to fight back / While you still alive
You show dem "girl" / And beat back dat jibe
'Cause when a man just don't give a damn -- hell no
HELL NO!

(Dialogue)
Celie: What you gon do now?
Sofia: My sisters comin to get me. I think I need a vacation on up and away from here.
Celie: Hoppo yo husband. You got ta stay wit him. I know you love 'im.

Sofia (singing again):
When that man used to touch me
He'd climb on top and start to rock me away
Lawd knows I still loves him
But he tried to make me mind and I just ain't that kind -- hell no!

At some point, Sofia calls her sisters, and they come running out of the house with the sink, chairs and other items, and begin loading them onto their wheelbarrow to haul Sofia away. One sister comes out weilding a shot gun, and they're all singing/shouting HELL NO!

I'm sitting there mesmerized by the caliber of performance and singing and moved by the story itself (The Color Purple is already one of my favorite movies and books.). But when Sofia sang this song - and you had to see it because part of its effect was in her facial expressions and other movements. During the first verse, when she sings "'cause when a man raise his hand...," she motions like she's preparing to block herself from a blow. But when she says, "hell no," she grabs the air and makes a fist, as if to grab the coming hand and stop it from hitting her. I cheered in my seat! (Corny, I know. But yall just had to be there and be feeling what I felt. It's actually what I've always felt when it comes to women accepting any and every kind of treatment from a man.)

Now, lest this seems to be about physical abuse, it is not. I have never been a victim, and for that reason, I'm sure my feelings about it would offend and be insensitive towards women who have been victims. So physical abuse aside, why don't more women say HELL NO to the other types of abuse and mistreatment by men?

One of the things Sofia's sisters sang was: "Don't be no fool, don't waste your time, a man who hurts you ain't worth a dime." Why the hell do women act like they don't know this? Why do women pretend to be dumb? Like they don't see a man's lying and cheating, using and abusing, taking and never giving tendencies? I know that sometimes the signs aren't always there, but I got sense enough to know most of the times they are. Why do we ignore them? Do we need a man that bad? Are we that afraid of being alone?

Now, I also believe that sometimes a woman can know a man is no good, but it just takes them a minute to do something about it (namely leave and refuse to settle for that kind of treatment again). But how come it takes some women years and years? Is it an issue of self-love, or the lack thereof? I always blame everything on low self-esteem. Is it that? If I love Leslie, am I going to allow somebody to treat Leslie any kind of way? How long am I going to be with a man who disrespects me, emotionally neglects me, cheats on me, impregnating other women including me? A man who lays around my house all day expecting me to take care of him, drives my car but never buys any gas or pays for any repairs? What does it take for a woman to finally be like HELL TO THE &*%$#!@ NAW?!

So Hard Not to Judge

Dear Bloggers:

My turn! I need you all's advice on a lil situation. Actually, it's not little to me. I was just fussing to CB about it - rather heatedly, but then that's just my nature - whatever I feel I feel deeply - and he was like you shouldn't even have an opinion because it doesn't concern you. Now, he didn't mean that literally (that I shouldn't have an opinion), but he did ask me why it bothers me so much. And the truth is I don't know why. That's where you all come in. Tell me if I'm trippin or if you think there's some validity to why I want to strangle a good friend of mine.

My friend is 56, never been married and since I've known her (since 2000), she's been unlucky in love. When I met her, she was involved with a man she had been seeing/dating for 10 years. When she started "discussing repeatedly" with him the idea of getting married and not continuing as they had been, he brought her a ring. Whenever she would try to get him to talk about and settle on a date, he would become irritated. Finally, after her pressing the issue (in his mind it was pressing), and him not budging, she realized that he only got the ring to pacify her. He never intended to marry her. It was just to shut her up. Needless to say, it hurt her deeply.

She bounced back and I convinced her to try her luck with the Internet. I can't tell you how many married men she met. One guy, she did not find out until later on that he was married and she had already begun falling for him. Another let down. Through all of this - because she even speculated that she thought the guy of 10 years might have a wife back home somewhere - he was Caribbean - we had conversations about why married men cheat, blah blah blah. And she would often say maybe she was destined to only meet married men. I denied this statement adamantly.

Fast forward to 2005 where she meets and falls madly in love with another guy. We'll call him Gerald. Gerald is sweet, kind, respectful, thoughtful, blah blah blah. Months after the love bug has bit, she finds out Gerald is married. Here again, the feelings have already been invested. This time, she continues to see Gerald and is still seeing him. This past weekend, they get into a big fight because of "the situation," she said. She was mean to him, he hung up on her, it was over. But she called him back three times to apologize for being mean, but he didn't return the calls. When I asked her why she kept calling back, she said she was fine with the break up, but she didn't want it to end on a sour note. (Give me a #$@! break.) Instead, I'm like no Friend, it's not over. He'll call again. Her: No, I don't think so. It's over.

By the end of the day he had called and was picking her up after work. He's planning to go home (he's also foreign) in October for three months and she's so sure that with his absence, she'll be able to get him out of her system, and when he comes back, they can be friends but not lovers anymore. *blank stare*

Me: You know the minute he comes back, you're just gonna pick back up where you left off.
Her: You think so?
Me: I know so. But I hope that you really can get over him because I'd hate to see you years from now still in love with and messing with somebody else's husband. It's not fair to you to not be able to have a man whose not fully yours.
Her: Although it's not picture perfect, everyone's life is already mapped (predestined) out to be what it's supposed to be. And as sad as it is, maybe this is how it's supposed to be for me.
Me: No this is not at all how it's supposed to be.
Her: So you don't believe in predestination or destiny?
Me: Yes, I do. But this is not your or any other woman's destiny to be with a married man. It's your CHOICE.
Her: You know Gerald has said that God has put us together.
Me: I gotta get ready for lunch. I'll talk to you later.

Now, am I lunchin or what? I swear I love her, but I don't know how much more I can stomach. When she first found out that he was married, I told her then I did not like that she would date him, but she was a grown woman and could do what she want. And I told her, we can talk about everything under the sun, but I don't want to hear JACK about him or yall's relationship. (OK, I know that was wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me so.)

Slowly, our talking waned. We only recently, three weeks ago, began talking again. Over breakfast, she shared with me how great things were going with her and Gerald, and I felt my eggs coming up then. I mean to listen to her, look at her, she talks and acts like a woman deeply in love. But her man is married and I can't swallow it. (I know that's judging and wrong, and I'm waiting for yall to tell me that too.) She's talking about getting mad with him because she was lonely one night and wanted him to come stay with her, but he couldn't. HUH?! I declare I don't want to be a judgmental friend or person, but I need yall to chastise me or somethin!

I understand CB's point that it's her life, not mine, she's grown, blah blah blah. But I be wantin to knock her the hell out when she's talkin to me. I swear I do. Maybe it'll take all of you all to tell me to grow up, Leslie; get over it, Leslie; get a life, Leslie; or whatever else you say. But I need yall to talk to me QUICK! Help Leslie better Leslie! LOL

Thanks.

What To Do in VA

Ladies and gentlemen, this post is what I've been waiting for. My very first, very real Dear Leslie. Wow! Some of you had asked me whether the other "letters" were real. Yes they are. But as I mentioned in my very first blog, they are actual Dear Abby letters. However, the replies were not Abby's - they were mine. And a friend of my brother peeped my blog, and has chosen to write to me, Leslie, for some advice. I'm honored...and I hope she read my disclaimer that I ain't her momma, so if nice and sweet is what she's looking for, she ain't bout to get it. LOL

Sike, I'm not gonna go hard like I would normally. But she's contemplating a major life decision, and I just want to give her some things to think about.

Here's her dilemma:

I’m a 26-year-old college graduate that resides in VA, who is in a situation and I am clueless as to what to do. Here goes: I met this guy on the Internet about 3 years ago, (who by the way lives in Washington State) and at the time we communicated pretty often via email and telephone. So after a brief time of talking, I decided to make a trip out there to see him. Fine….he was very hospitable and all that. So when I return to VA, we continue to still talk on and off. We decide about a year later that I would visit Washington, again. So again the trip is decent, but had to deal with a pop up ex-girlfriend…that I was clueless about. Anyway when I return home from that trip, the communication basically comes to a halt, out of the blue. But there are irregular emails that happen about once every 3 months or so, this goes on for about approximately 2yrs with basically no communication. Then one day I get an email from him stating that he has new contact information, so I could feel free to contact him if I wanted to. So I end up calling him to play catch up for a little bit. The funny thing is that we chat like no time had really been missed; we pick up where we strangely left off. We start talking non-stop for 2 months, and again I decide to go visit him. This time things are perfect, we seem to be in tune like never before. I return home and things continue going REALLY good, we are back to our daily 2hr + conversation. In the midst of all this we discuss really being together, and seeing that we have a lot in common. I find out that his family also lives in VA as well. So we even discussed me moving out there with him to make this “US” thing work out. He has expressed how he is really into me now and is really trying to be with me and only me and what happened in the past is something that will never happen again. So basically I’m on the verge of packing up and moving to Washington to be with him and yes I do mean move in with him. The whole 9 yards! What do you think?

First, let me shout out the world wide web, for it was the meeting ground of my Chocolate Bear. We're getting married on October 7, 2006, and I cannot wait to be this chocolate man's wife. (What's up, baby?! I love you.) [OK, I know if this was a professional column, that would have been very inappropriate. But this ain't professional, so deal with it! And I'm in love, with a wonderful MAN, so I'm braggin. Deal with that too! Hmpf!]

Sike, seriously, I have a couple of "issues" with your situation. Number one, why are you incurring the biggest expenses of this relationship? You flew to see him three times. How come his butt hasn't bought a plane ticket yet? You said after your first visit, that "we" decided you would visit again. I bet he did decide that YOU would have to spend money again because he sure hasn't spent any. Now, if he has come to see you, which I doubt, then great. And if he's paid for or given you half the money towards any of these flights, then even better. If not, let that be red flag number 1.

Number two, the whole ex-girlfriend drama. Things are going great, you're on visit number 2, and then up pops an ex-girlfriend. My suspicion is she wasn't as ex- as he might have explained. Oh, but wait. He hasn't given you any explanation, has he?! Red flag number 2! I don't care how great things are going now, he owes you some type of explanation. You said he said he really wants to be with you now, "and what happened in the past is something that won't happen again." Well, what happened in the past? If he's explained it to you, then great. If he's explained why the appearance of his ex-girlfriend suddenly forced two years of broken/no communication with you, and why when he resurfaces he has new contact information, then great. If he has not, you have a right to know.

Number three, why are you so willing to be the one "doing everything?" Spending your money to go see him. And now preparing to spend more money to relocate. If he has family (and you) here, how come he won't move here? What kind of compromise is you moving to Washington? How come the only decision you all could come up with was for YOU to relocate? Why are you the only one making all the major moves and sacrifices? Relationships are give and take, but I don't see what he's giving. You're getting ready to give up the life you've known for the past 26 years to go move across the country and move in with him. That's serious. And only you know whether that's a wise decision. Do you have a job lined up already? If you don't find work right away, what's the arrangement going to be with bills, etc? On several levels, you're preparing to go be totally dependent on a man....who is not your husband. What kind of life is that? There's a lot you need to think about.


OK, people, that's all I got. If you have some alternative advice for this sister, let her know. This decision is heavy. She needs all the advice and different perspectives she can get!

Peace!

The Coonery Must Stop

OK. I shared with some friends yesterday that I had been working on this blog for weeks. We had just seen these idiots to my right, and got to talking about how unbelievably ignorant black people are, when I shared that that was the topic of the blog I was working on. I shared that I wanted to show with pictures the evolution of black, from images of nobility, grace and prominence to freakin disgraces like these. One of my homies, Boston'sFinest, insisted that I finish the blog because "the coonery must stop."

(Just wanted to credit her for giving me this title.)

Now, let me first point out in the second picture above - where our two spokesmodels felt compelled to show their faces - the two young sistas in the background. See the look on their face? Well, that's how I'm looking at them too. And that's how I'm looking at this grandmomma...who thinks it's funny to put a liquor bottle up to a sleeping baby's mouth; and these losers...whose credit probably wasn't good enough to even own this car, who saw worth in putting Cheetos stickers on their leased car, but who probably could only afford to buy the bag of Cheetos in the one dummy's hands; and this hooka here...who, Lord knows, we all make mistakes and I'm not judging, but couldn't find another dress to wear to the prom?



Where have all the good blacks gone? Where are our men and women with just a portion of sense and pride and direction and morals and brilliance and strength? Are they a figment of our imagination? Extinct? Played? Gone on to glory? I refuse to believe that all of our leaders and heros and thinkers are gone. I refuse to believe that all our children have to look at are images of booty shakin hookas in video after video; or thugs with nothing better to do than drive through neighborhoods showing off dub rims (or whatever the term is), but who ain't got a friggin dub in the bank. Where, somebody tell me, have all the good guys gone?



Even when all we had was what massa saw fit to let us have, we still looked like we had some sense and dignity about us. When everything we ever owned, and anybody we ever loved was taken away from us, we held our head high. As neglected and abused and mistreated and used as we were, you couldn't tell. There was a time when we could write the book on BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL.



Now, I don't know how many black people can spell the word BOOK! With everything that's at our disposal now - and people, please, let's not turn this into a discussion about even or uneven playing fields - I know all about that - but with the advantages that we do have today, we choose to represent ourselves as everything but classy and tasteful. And where the advantage isn't ours, why aren't we compelled to look and do and act better? So what we can't all live on Capitol Hill property, or drive "nice" cars, wear designer clothing, or be edcuated at above average schools. Does that mean we have to resort to this?


Dang, my people! What has happened to us? When will this coonery stop?

Peace!