Desperately Seeking "Chrissy"

I am a 28-year-old, unattractive guy who is in love with my best female friend. "Chrissy" is 25 and a single mother. I have always adored her. We met in high school in 1996. In 2002, Chrissy ran into an old high school boyfriend who was addicted to drugs and has psychological problems. She fell back in love with him, and soon they were dating. He was insecure about her having friends, especially someone of the opposite sex, so he gave her an ultimatum -- him or me. She chose him. A year later they had a baby. When Chrissy finally got it through her head that he was never going to change or give up drugs, she broke up with him. Being the good guy -- or fool -- that I am, I became close with her again. Over time, I have gotten to know her son and have treated him like he was my own. I do anything and everything for them. I would like to have a real relationship with Chrissy. It makes me sad that she'd rather go out with guys who don't really care for her (she admits it herself) than see how much I love her. I want so much to be with her, but I know she doesn't see me in that light. I don't know what to do. I don't want to say something because if I do, she'll pull back and probably stop seeing me altogether. My friends say I should speak up or stop seeing her, but I can't. To quote a song, "I'd rather live in her world, than live without her in mine." I pray every night for God to grant me this one prayer. What can I do to make this work?

Leslie says...

You should desperately seek some self-esteem because you are way lacking in it. You sound like a very caring, responsible, compassionate man that any woman would be fortunate to have. Do you know how many women are looking for these qualities alone in a man? Why are you chasing after someone who is so obviously not interested? (And if she is content to waste her life and time on no good men, she doesn’t sound too bright anyway. And she certainly doesn’t sound like she would appreciate you if you were together.) You say you’d rather live in her world than without her in yours? Newsflash, kiddo: you ARE living without her and she doesn’t bit more want to be in your world than the man in the moon. Move on. Get over her.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there is no truer statement. You are good-looking to somebody (and at least that somebody should be you). Still, there could be a woman dying for your attention right now, but you can’t see her for staring at the back of Chrissy’s head. Stop it. There is nothing worse than being in love by yourself. And Chrissy does not love you…not the way you love her. But it’s her loss.

Army Wife in North Carolina

My husband, "Rick," spent a year in Iraq. He has been home for 3 1/2 months. Before his return, the Army gave out a lot of information for us about what to expect upon his arrival -- how he might act, how the kids might react. None of it seems to have helped me. Rick has had no trouble adjusting to being home. He has experienced no serious side effects from being there. The problem is me. While Rick was gone, I did everything. I took care of our little boy, ran the house -- handled everything. Now that Rick is home, I'm having a hard time relearning how to share MY child and MY house with him. Yes, Abby, I know it's his baby and his house, too.

Rick's deployment was the first time I had ever lived by myself -- and I liked it. Now it seems that everything he does is wrong. Things that never used to bother me set me off now. I have gone from being a laid-back, patient person to a ranting, raving she-devil. Rick loads the dishwasher wrong and puts the toilet paper in backward; he drives wrong. Everything he does is wrong, because he does it differently than I do. What's wrong with me? I know I'm acting like a lunatic. I love my husband very much and don't want to act this way. I want our marriage to be successful and happy. What can I do?

Leslie says...

I waited your entire letter for just a smidgeon of something resembling gratitude or happiness. Not once did you write how proud you are of your husband’s service to his country. Not once did you say that you are happy to have him home again. Never did you express how thankful to God you are for sparing your husband’s life. So I have no idea how to get it through your selfish head just how blessed and fortunate you are. There are many wives and families who will never see their loved ones again. There are children who have to grow up now without their parent. But instead of recognizing this and being grateful, all you do is complain about what he’s doing different from you? Please find the nearest station and get an attitude check immediately!

Likes the Attention in Norton, Mass.

I work with a man named James. We have become friends over the past few weeks, and it's obvious there is an attraction between us. I would never want to break up a marriage, and I don't want to change our relationship. Is simply flirting with a married man -- who flirts back -- okay if neither of you has any intentions?


Leslie says...


If you don’t want to break up a marriage, then you won’t. If you sleep with that married man, then you wanted to. We are all adults. You know what you really want to happen between you and James, so for goodness sake, stop pretending. If he wanted to move beyond “simple flirting,” you know you wouldn’t oppose. Just be truthful about it and remember these karma essentials: the same bed we make is the one we have to lay in; our decisions don’t only affect us; and the bad choices we make today will come back to haunt us tomorrow. Only you can decide whether you’ll remain a woman of virtue and morals, or become a home-wrecking adulteress.

This is Not Your Momma's Advice...

I am not a professional in the area of sociology. What I am is an observer of life. I don't have any degrees or licenses in psychology, counseling or therapy. What I do have is insight that is raw, unbiased and most important, real. Any advice or opinion I have is strongly felt and for that reason, I have been criticized and praised by friends and family.

This blog now contains actual Dear Abby entries, followed by my own advice. Hopefully, you will be compelled to share some of your own concerns and problems. If you do, I promise to give you the Answer, Direction, Voice, Insight, and Counsel that leads to your Enlightment (ADVICE) - at least the way that I see it. Once more, I am not a professional in this area, but sometimes, that's what we need. We need someone who can go beyond what the textbooks say, and tell you what life says!

I agree that some problems require the experience and expertise of a professional, and to give the wrong advice to someone who is already emotionally overwhelmed can cause more harm than good. But many times, all people need is advice that's nothing more than good, old-fashioned common sense. This is that advice! Some people's problem has been that everything is sugarcoated for them. Nobody has taken the time to "tell it like it is." Well, this is that time. And you don't need a professional degree to do it!

If after reading these entries, you feel compelled to solicit my thoughts about your own situation, great! If you don't, that's great also. Just enjoy these entries, my comments and share with me your approval or disapproval for what I have to say! I'm open to that too.

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32)

Peace!