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Hey Folks,

Yesterday, CB and I went to my second doctor's appointment since the little one was put inside. LOL And let me say that I enjoy my baby sitting in the waiting room with me, getting up when they call my name and walking back to the sonogram room and exam room like he belongs there at my side. It's touching...even though he sits and plays games on my cell phone half the time, his presence means a lot to me. In his own way, he shows excitement and interest and there are moments when I wouldn't make it without this. Like the other night, he was in the bedroom and I was in the living room, and he yells, what week are we in? I holler back 12 and ask why. He says I was just asking, and a few minutes later, he comes out and joins me. "You know that black line that's coming in on your stomach? It has a name." Puzzled look. "How do you know?" "I just read it in the book." Yall, I didn't know he was reading my book "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" too. I almost cried! LOL He continued, "It was saying something about pigmentation and now is the time you might start to see it, but yours been here for awhile," and then proceeded to play with the line! THAT'S when I cried! I love you, CB!

So anyway...back to yesterday's appointment...I'm undressed from the waist down waiting on the table. CB has his seat in the chair...face in the game on my cell phone. My doctor walks in and after short how are you doing's, she goes, "We have to do your chlamydia and gonorrhea tests again." My mouth drops and I can't talk. CB looks up FAST from the phone. And then she laughs, hugs me and is like, "I'm sorry, MrsNYM. I don't mean that it was positive or anything, just something about the sample, and they weren't able to run the tests." Finally, I can breathe again and I'm like, "Dang, Dr. Novak! You can't bust up in here talkin bout something like that with my husband in here! That wasn't how you introduce that." I'm laughing now, but still a little annoyed. And CB goes, "Yeah, cuz our next stop was gon be the divorce court!"

I get up in the stirrups, she does what she does, and then we listen for the baby's heartbeat. 165 bpm. Our little Gummy Bear is doing fine. Usually, it's still too early to hear the heartbeat from on top of the belly, but we heard my baby's. This, she said, means the chance of miscarriage is now pretty non-existent. Thank you, Lord. My cervix looks good. Thank you, Lord. Then I sit up and she gives me the results from all the bloodwork they took last visit: cholesterol, perfect; sugar, excellent; HIV, negative; blood pressure, wonderful; syphyllis, negative; no sickle cell trait; no rubella; blood type, A+. Thank you, Lord! My baby is in a bomb womb, yall! I know you can't tell by lookin at me, but my baby chillin in an environment that's doing him/her real good! And I'm grateful. And I'm glad CB was there to hear it himself because if I had told him, he wouldn't have believed me.

I even lost 4 more pounds, which really surprised me. I just knew I had gained. My appetite's been back for awhile, and I've been inhalin food, but no weight gain. Let me find out all these years I've been trying to lose weight, all I needed to do was get pregnant! I do find that I can't finish a whole meal now for some reason, and I do try to incorporate more fruit in what I eat, but for real, I still eat the bad stuff too. Doc said the weight loss is OK. It was no cause for concern. I don't want to gain any weight this early in the pregnancy, anyway, she said. That could cause complications later. Plus, any weight gain this early isn't because of the baby - it's too small at this point - it would just be the result of my overeating, and that's not good.

After we asked our other questions - about gas (LOL), sleep positions, birthing classes, etc. - she said, things look really good, NYM. Whatever you're doing, keep on doing. And she left us. I got dressed and as CB and I prepared to leave, I said, "You know we goin to Checker's when we leave here, right?" And my double-champ with cheese and medium sweet Tea with a lot of ice was DELICIOUS! Say what!

Mommy, daddy and baby are doing fine, and I'm glad about it!

Brokenhearted in Portland

DEAR ABBY: Long story short, my husband of 11 years and I were having serious marital problems and on the verge of divorce. At the same time, my sister moved in with us -- at my invitation. Apparently, one thing led to another, and she and my husband say they have fallen in love. My husband and I decided to try and save our marriage. Then, two days later, he and my sister slept together! I kicked both of them out of my house. They think they did nothing wrong because, according to my husband, he has no intention of working anything out with me. I say he's an S.O.B., and my sister is a @#!%#. Am I wrong? Everyone in my family agrees with me, and I am being painted by my sister and my husband as "turning everyone against her." I say I'm justified. What makes it harder is I still love them both and have now lost my sister and my best friend, and I don't know what to do.

-- BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

Dear Brokenhearted:

Yes, your husband is a sorry SOB and your sister is a whore. But your first mistake was to move her in, in the midst of all the problems you and your husband were having. That does not excuse their behavior, however. It is just a lesson learned in hindsight at this point. Eventually, your sister and husband will pay for the horrible choice they made because to sleep together while you were still married to him is disgusting. But it is forgivable, and eventually, you will have to forgive them so that you can move on with your life. You're already headed in that direction by admitting you do still love them both. And hopefully, they recognize the wrong they did and will ask for your forgiveness. If not, don't you worry about it. Two azzholes like them deserve each other anyway. Your sister, especially, should seek your forgiveness and reconciliation. She's upset that you are turning the family against her when she should be sorry that she betrayed her sister, her best friend like this. Hopefully she'll come around, but the best thing for you to do now is forgive them and move on.

Couple's Views on Sex Don't Bode Well for the Future

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either. Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again. I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date. However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do?

-- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Deflowered:

First, I commend you for re-dedicating your body back to Christ (or whoever you believe in) and being committed to wait until marriage to have sex again. Secondary virginity is a concept that not too many people accept, let alone understand. But it is very real, and their opinion shouldn't deter you from continuing to wait, nor should it cause you to feel devalued. You are still valuable. Yes, purity is more an issue of the heart than the body. Now concerning Chris, I will say that he shows promise by still wanting to date you and be friends with you. But you would not be wrong if you tell him that you no longer want to date him. If you continue dating, and then after he "thinks about it," he decides to no longer continue the relationship, then you will have wasted time with him that you could have spent getting to know someone else. Chris has a right to prefer a virgin for marriage, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't have the right to make you unworthy because you aren't - that's for Christ to judge - and he doesn't have the right to continue stringing you along, keeping your emotions invested, while he thinks about what he wants to do. The decision is actually not his to make, but yours.

Cuz I Got Knooooocked Up

Hey Folks,

Long time, no write. I hadn't planned to write again - just fell out of interest with it - but something has recently happened in ya girl's life. There's a little chocolate militant sports-loving CUTE AND FINE drama king or queen a-coming! LOL That's right...we're pregnant! So much for "we'll wait 3 years so we can enjoy each other alone first and get some more traveling out of the way." Out the window went "OK, let's wait 2 years because we're not getting any younger." And forget about "Let's definitely wait until 2008 because you're just starting a new job and don't want to be out on maternity leave no sooner than you start." All the planning in the world means nothing when God is at the helm...and when you're humpin like jack rabbits and not using condoms like a bunch of retards. I mean what did we think was gon happen? Seriously! We tried, yall. Honest, we did. But who stoppin to reach for all that when you already got started?!

But lest I sound annoyed, I'm elated. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm fearful. I'm confused. I have tons and tons of questions. And I'm wondering what in the world kind of mother will I be. I took the first test on Friday. Peed on that stick, waited til the little hourglass started spinning - which meant the test was working - and then before I finished washing my hands, PREGNANT was on the screen! All of my initial thoughts were so un-motherly to me that ya girl is seriously scared about what the future holds for me as a parent. I was at my parents' house, and only my daddy was home. And as I walked down the steps to show him the test, this was my prayer:

Lord, you know my fears. You know I don't want the back of my neck to get any blacker. I'm already unevenly complected. You know I don't want a fat nose with that ring around it. I don't want acne, Lord. My skin already has problems enough. Can you please keep my stretch marks to the back of me? Keep them to the bottom of my hips and butt so they're not visible if my shirt happens to ride up or something!


What the heck kind of prayer is that for a mother to be praying? But wait...that was Friday. Saturday, I took the other stick out and peed on that too. The result was the same. So now I'm out on the sofa talking to CB, throwing question after question to him, to God and to no one in particular: How does my stomach know when to stop stretching? I mean our skin ain't meant to stretch that wide. What if you see my poo poo open that wide and then aren't attracted to me anymore after that? What if you don't want to have sex with me after that? What if I get so fat and stretched marked up that I never want to get naked again? Are you going to find me attractive while I'm fatter and waddling, nose spreading? What if I rip and have to be sewn back together? What if I poop on the delivery table? What are you going to think? What if I can't poop after the delivery and you have to go up there and help pull it down like DM's mother? Are you going to do that? What does having a whole other being move around inside of you feel like? No seriously. What if the baby sucking on my nipples leaves them crazy-shaped? Do you realize that everything I eat, everything I drink, everything I read, everything I listen to has a direct affect on this baby developing inside of me? DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE THAT IS?! It's unreal, man. I don't know if I can do it. If I can't have anymore Pepsi's, I'll just die! Am I strong enough or maternal enough to sacrifice a Pepsi and salt on my food for the sake of my developing little CB? Cuz I dang sure ain't givin up meat.


My darling CB let me get it all out and then hugged me and said NYM, we're going to be fine. All those fears are normal, baby, and it's going to be OK. When we go to the doctor's next week, you can ask her all those questions. That was sweet and all, but I noticed he ain't say he was still going to find me attractive when I'm fatter and stretched marked up. LOL (joke..but he ain't say it)

Anyway, I'm asking all the people in my life, especially the mommas, to bear with me because I'm about to ask some real questions. I don't want to hear about how sweet the baby's first movement is, or how beautiful it is holding your child after giving birth, and how you don't remember the pain anymore. I want to know if anybody passed gas like a friggin hot air balloon because I stay fartin and gasey. I want to know about going to the bathroom on the delivery table and your baby getting shyt on him cuz you just shat on the table. I want to know about taking that first dump afterwards. I want to know what your coochie feels like after being opened and stretched to record-breaking widths. Like is there a breeze? Am I going to be walking funny? Am I going to have a permanent bigger vagina? Is CB going to still fit? WHEN DOES MORNING SICKNESS STOP?! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WALK AROUND ALL DAY NAUSEOUS AND QUEASY AND FEELING LIKE YOU WANNA VOMIT?! Somebody answer me! I'm going crazy! I'm trying to be happy, and I am, but I got fears and I got questions and I'M PREGNANT!

OMG, I'm pregnant! What the world done come to?! *fainted*

*revived* Oh, at some point, I'll be circulating a baby-sitting schedule for all the aunties - yall know who you are. One weekend a month, I think, is a nice start.

OK, *fainted* again.

Naked

Genesis 2:25 - And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

This passage was turned into a session during my premarital counseling. One of its meanings - where relationships are concerned anyway - was that beyond the physical, Adam and Eve were able to bare themselves to each other, down to their souls, without being judged, criticized or condemned. Whatever Eve was feeling, she could completely reveal that to Adam...no matter how hard it was for her, no matter if it might hurt Adam. And vice versa. They were both naked and not ashamed. In counseling, the question was asked: can you be naked and not ashamed with CB, and CB, can you be the same towards NYM? The issue wasn't whether we said yes or no, but just to illustrate a level of relationship that can be that deep, and to have us ponder whether we thought it was possible.

No. I don't. I don't think you can ever be completely naked and unashamed. I don't care how much you love each other, trust each other, and don't want to hurt each other. There are just some things that a person cannot reveal to their significant other. There are some things that no matter how nice you say them, they're going to hurt. They're going to be misunderstood. And you're going to be judged and criticized. There are some things that you need to take to Jesus and Jesus alone. Some things don't warrant disclosure at all. Sometimes, it's imperative that you keep clothes on and suffer the consequences. Right?

Even if it's not a marital relationship, but a friendship or some other bond - can you ever be naked and not ashamed? Better yet, should you?

My Morning State

OK, so I didn't think my first post about married life would be this, but it is what it is. You know how the little things, if you don't confront them, can turn into big things...that ruin a relationship? Well, I know this is a little thing, but some mornings, it feels pretty darn big. Choco Bear and I have talked about this, but he won't change. So now I'm bringing it to you all to get your insight and opinion. Here goes...

In one month and seven days, we've gotten into a few routines. It's been cute and fun discovering what patterns and routines work for us. Right now, our mornings consist of this:

Alarm clock goes off at 5:30. CB gets up immediately, takes care of business in the bathroom; returns to the room, and watches Sports Center while dressing - he even turns it down real low so as not to disturb me. Aw! Most mornings, he fixes a small breakfast for us, my favorite being the turkey sausage and cheese sandwich on English muffin. By 6:30, he's finished, has eaten, has put my sandwich in the microwave for me, and is preparing to leave. Before he does, he comes in the room to give me my wake-up call: a kiss, a good morning, a have a nice day, an I'll talk to you later, all that good stuff.

Which is GREAT, but here's where it gets tricky. Some mornings, while leaning over me to do what I just named, CB wants to remain there and talk a little. But his face has been washed, his teeth brushed, his mouth rinsed out with mouthwash. I haven't done any of that, and so I'm laying there, pushing him off of me because I ain't comfortable with him all up in my face with my morning breath, spit-stained cheeks, crust around my mouth and all that. He's just as content as can be, and it drives me crazy. I switch to Psycho Woman mode and I'm like get off of me, move, leave! It's crazy...or maybe just I am.

Is anybody feeling me? Of course, I know that's on him that he wants to be all in my face in that state, but at the same time, I ain't gotta be comfortable with him being there, do I? Not that I'm like Whitley from A Different World, and want to get up before him, brush my teeth and all that, and look "beautiful" for my wake up call. (Heck, I got issues looking beautiful during the day. I gotta work on that too.) But I think my issue is I don't want him, in turn, to feel like I should want to be in his morning face either. Because I don't. And I ain't. Plus, the biggest annoynce of all is, he looks good in the morning! LOL He doesn't have spit on his face, crust around his mouth, and because my baby likes to sleep cuddled - he's gonna kill me that I said that - I'm smelling his breath and nose breath before he wakes up, and it doesn't stink, yall. Me, on the other hand...well, just take my word, it's not pretty!

Even during our morning or pre-morning romps, he's trying to kiss me and I'm moving my head away. What is it with him that he doesn't mind all that? One of us has some issues, and I think it's him! LOL

Baby, I'mma need you to just give me the kiss, make sure I'm up, and go on about your business. Because I don't want to talk to you in my morning state. Love you.

The Mrs.
*cracking up*

Vengeance

Are you a vengeful person? I am. When I was in college, one of my literary classes required us to keep a journal of short stories. We had to write in a journal every day. Sometimes, each entry would be a whole story, and sometimes I would continue a longer story through several entries. At any rate, this professor, next to my A, would make these or similar comments: Not Your Momma, great imagination! Maybe you want to try a theme that does not involve revenge. / I see that in all your writings, the antagonist always gets his just dues. / Good is still prevailing, I see!

I honestly didn't realize this about my writing until the professor pointed it out. But once he did, I could not deny that that common thread was there. I got to thinking about me and how I dealt with life period, and the need for revenge was there too. The need to right wrongs and do unto others as they did to me was a must.

I will hold a grudge like my life depends on it. If you do me wrong, I can't even see straight until I've done something back to you. Or if I don't get you back, but I hear about your hard times, I'm the first to say well, that's why you should be careful how you treat people. OK, to have just typed that sounds a little evil and sick and emotionally distrubed, but sometimes I am. I have been told by friends that I'm too fairytale-minded. I naively believe the world is this balanced place where goodness returns goodness. And if I'm nice to you, you should be nice back. Well, so what. I do believe that, which is probably why I have a problem accepting bad as the return on my good. And why I will not rest until I've gotten you back. Even if I just store what you did in my brain for years and years. I just have a hard time forgetting wrong.

Well, NYM, sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Um, no I don't. I've tried that a few times. Hated it! I've tried apologizing when I was the one who had been wronged just to keep peace. Been there done that making excuses for people being mean and rude, electing to forgive and forget and be your friend again. So no, I don't want to be the big person all the time. Sometimes I want to be the petty, small person. Sometimes that feels better.

I know, the audacity of me to act like I've never been the one to wrong somebody else. Of course I have. And there I was in need of their forgiveness. But do you think that softens me? Do you think that makes me less quick to be the vengeful bytch that I sometimes am? No. And I'm working on it. I guess this is why we need to leave vengeance to the Lord. He is the only person capable of handing this very delicate issue. We're too biased and full of self and sin to think rationally about it.

At least I am.

This is Mrs. NYM, and I approve this message!

Love Triangle - But Not Really

OK. Of course I had planned to have my next post be about my wedding, but a friend of mine shared her cousin's concern with me, and wanted to get my take on it. So I'm going to interrupt my love page (LOL) to give this advice. In a nutshell, here is the cousin's situation (the names have been changed):

Keisha and Brian are brother and sister. Keisha and Lisa are best friends, and Lisa happens to also be Brian's girlfriend. I don't know exactly how long Lisa and Brian had been involved, but at some point, Lisa caught Brian in bed with another woman. She went her way and he attempted to go his, but after much begging and pleading and promising, she took him back. Something happened recently, and whatever it was, was not told to me. But it left Brian beefing with Lisa, to the point he didn't call her for her birthday and some other 8th grade, girlish stuff. Introduce Brenda - the "sweet" girl who for work-related reasons is staying at Keisha and Brian's mother's house. One night, Keisha and Brenda go out. Keisha drops Brenda back off at her mother's house. The next night, the aunt walks into Brenda's room and finds Brenda and Brian in bed together. Angry, the mother calls Keisha and fusses with her about it. Keisha doesn't know what time Brian came home, but at some point, he did and found himself having cheated on Lisa a second time.

Now, Lisa is calling Keisha all the time asking about Brian. Why hasn't he called me (since the birthday, I'm assuming)? What's going on? Talk to me. All this, of course, leaves Keisha feeling caught in the middle of her best friend and brother. Her course of action, thus far, has been to tell Lisa she should just forget about Brian, based on his first act of indiscretion. She has avoided telling Lisa that Brian was just recently caught cheating again. Now, Keisha's being drained emotionally trying to avoid Lisa's phone calls, and trying to avoid having to break her friend's heart with the news. Then the stress of being loyal (I guess) to her brother is draining too. He is blood, after all.

At the end of the day, Keisha just wants Lisa to leave Brian alone on her own so that she doesn't have to rat on her brother.


Leslie says...

To Brian - He's a loser and I'm not even going to devote anymore finger energy to a person like him. Besides, karma is real.

To Lisa - She needs to GET A FRIGGIN CLUE! OK, she doesn't know that Brian just recently cheated on her again, but she senses something the reason she's grilling Keisha about it/him. If I have to call CB's sister and ask her what's up with MY husband/boyfriend, something is wrong. And the sister is not the one who can help me figure it out. I need to take that up with whoever my man is. Or I could do one better, and listen to my own intuition and cut all ties with the loser myself. People have said, sometimes, if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. He didn't call her for her birthday, hasn't called her since their fight and whatever else. Why are you talking to Keisha? Talk to him, and if he's nowhere to be found, let him stay lost.

Plus, come on now, she knows she's putting/keeping Keisha in an awkward position - the middle - of her best friend and brother. If she's your best friend, why put that stress on her? Be a woman and handle your own affairs.

To Keisha - The one I sympathize with most, but if I were you, I wouldn't be hiding from and avoiding Lisa's questions. You know your brother is wrong - family or not - and you know your best friend deserves better, so just tell her butt that he cheated again. Your brother can't be mad at you for telling the truth, and if he is, frake 'im! He'll get over it and be in somebody else's bed soon enough. If you don't want to do that, just tell Lisa, look, I'm tired of you putting me in the middle of you and Brian's affairs. I don't want to hear any more questions about him. You and I are friends and our friendship is separate from yall's relationship. And that way, you never have to tell her that you know.

People have problems with this whole issue anyway, and I don't know why - should you tell the friend if you know their partner isn't being faithful? The experience, if you never tell, is usually the one friend resenting the other for not telling. Or, if you tell, you get accused of being jealous or hateful and some other crap. Lookehere, I ain't gon stress myself and develop an ulcer foolin around with dumb people and their problems. I got my own. If I tell you, and you don't believe me, at least I told the truth. If I tell you, and you don't want to be my friend anymore, go the hell on. I ain't gon lose any sleep.

Bottom line: I believe you should tell Lisa what's up. But I know you probably don't want to, so just tell her to take it up with her boyfriend and leave you out of it.